Transcendence Diaries

Avatar: Day 4

Avatar: Day 4

March 22
4:37 PM 2005

Day four

Holy shit. we got some new exercises today. explained a little more. turns out this is not about building you up like some of the other courses… but breaking the ego completely down – getting control of it, getting it in check. For me, forget about it. I have worked my ass off to build my ego up for the last few years thinking I had to in the business I am in and today I was in total resistance from just thinking about my ego. Struggling. Squirming in my chair like a little kid. the ego going fucking nuts. attacking other students on the course I was working with all day. lots of tears and screaming. Very defensive. Had to call a trainer a few times to help me integrate before I went crazy. lots of Anger. Shame. Pain. nauseous. Wanting to give up a few times. I cannot imagine ever being able to get control of my ego. Feels too big for me. much bigger than I am. Discovered that almost everything I do is to feed or boost my ego.
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