A shit day. went back in. deep. Found so much stuff inside. I’m not saying it was awful. Just hard to fathom how full of shit I am, or have been. Hard to look at yourself honestly and everything you do and stay neutral. I’m doing it. but it’s a challenge. Easy to find yourself wanting to go into resistance and pretend that everything is alright. But we know where that leads. So I just went in all day and really focused on getting the most from the tools and the processes and just went with the flow. I am slowly getting real and honest. Bigger picture = feels great. Smaller picture = feels shitty till some of the shock discreates.
I cannot believe how dishonest and ‘in react’ I have been the last few years. just so full of shit. so many things are clearer to me now. I am in awe of the understanding of myself I have now. no wonder. That’s what you are left with. This feeling of ‘no wonder.’ Feeling like a hamster in a spinning wheel the last year or so. no wonder. Finally seeing why. fear creates dishonesty. Being afraid to show up, afraid to face what is real, of what’s really happening, or afraid of what you imagine might happen. creates dishonesty. Even little bouts of dishonesty that we don’t even notice within ourselves… dishonesty creates misalignment that pervades our entire lives. Conflicts, drama, confusion, and we have no idea what’s going on or why we’re living the kind of life we’re experiencing. Mostly caused by fear. Fear then dishonesty then denial then asserting of the ego. More denial then conflicts and attacks with others etc…. the further down the spiral we go the further away from Source we get totally forgetting that when all is said and done we are all creating all of it. crazy. but luckily there is always a way out. that’s where I’m at now. seeing the way out and headed for it full speed ahead.
all I can think of now is returning to take it one more time to get an even deeper clarity and understanding. This was a good wake up call. But I want to go deeper now and really get to the bottom of it all.
current spin: Benedictine monks – CHANT. Wow. Amazing.