Reflections on Marriage

According to Princess Little Tree, there’s nothing in the world that I haven’t written about in the Transcendence Diaries over the last 12 years. I have no way of confirming that of course, but it has occurred to me more than once that I have been pretty silent on the subject of marriage. That’s actually been a rather deliberate intention. I believe (as do most others) that I already share more of myself with the world than is normal or necessary or perhaps even healthy, but I’ve never minded this too much. I’ve always still been able to walk down the street and get along pretty well in the world despite what I say here or how I say it. I’ve been very lucky in that. So there are certain things — not just for my own benefit but more for the benefit of those around me — that i choose to keep private. One of those things has been my marriage. But I will allow these thoughts to slip out, because I believe them to be semi-important; surely they are harmless enough not to harm anyone or infringe on anyone’s privacy. And who knows, maybe they’ll even be helpful to some.

Princess Little Tree, long time character here in the Diaries and now my wife, just left an hour ago to visit with her brothers in Vancouver, BC — which isn’t actually that far from the Seattle area. It’s a gorgeous city by the way if you ever have a chance to spend some time there, i highly recommend it. By all accounts this is a very good thing for PLT and her whole family. I’m terribly glad she took the time to go.

What I always forget though is how completely lonely and lacking it feels when she and I separate. It’s uncanny. It takes a few minutes for it to kick in… I may be busy running around like crazy multi-tasking, or i might be sitting down just studying or writing, but without fail, this eery quiet in the house suddenly hits me. She’s gone. She’s really gone. Not just off to the store for an hour, but off for a few days. For all the “boy won’t it be fun to have some free time, alone time, quiet time, guy time to do whatever the heck I want to” ideas that we “think” beFORE they leave, that preconceived vision of fun pales in comparison to how much we sincerely and genuinely miss our spouse once they’re gone. At least for me.

Friends used to tell me about this phenomenon all the time… Infinito TOTALLY changed when he met Carlita. Before she entered the picture, Infinito used to be a player. He was a drummer in a rock band… So use your imagination. It isn’t hard to envision what it was like. He was always surrounded by the cutest and prettiest girls. But he never seemed that into them. He always played the laidback cavalier stud. Then he started dating this new girl. A few inches taller than he. that’s the first thing I remember. A real knock out. One day we turned around and while taking breaks at rehearsal the other guys in the band and I would notice that he was on the phone with her, talking in freaking baby talk, saying things like “oh mammi, te amo… te amo, besos… besitos…” He was acting like a different person. Of course we made fun of him. But at the same time it was easy to see how happy he was. I had a feeling he had met the ONE. And sure enough, about two years later, Infinito was married.

Now truth be told I didn’t get it at all, until i was married myself. Marriage, for all it’s ups and downs, is an amazing blessing. And we’ll get to that. But first, to be fair and forthcoming, marriage is also hard as hell sometimes. It’s a balancing act. Yes it’s true that your sex life does change completely. There’s this whole cycle that you go through. When you’re single you can have sex as often as you like pretty much. I mean, I’m speaking from the vantage point of being a singer in a rock band… so my view, my reality may be different than other people; but even still, one assumes that regardless of who you are or what you do, there are always others you can find out there who will share in your desire to do whatever it is that you wish to do in life. So if getting it on everyday is your thing, I’m sure just about anyone can make that happen, rock band or not. But as these very Diaries show in countless entries, that kind of lifestyle gets very old very fast. And your heart starts to long for something more substantial.

Once you meet that someone special, you go through what they call the honeymoon phase. This is the making love 2 to 4 times a day without fail phase of the cycle. If you’re a good match, it’ll last for quite a while. This is pretty much heaven on earth. Especially if you’ve really met “the ONE”. As long as your engagement doesn’t last forever this phase will continue right through your wedding day and well into your marriage proper. Then things will die down a bit after a while. You’ll have your first fight. That will suck. If you’re a man, you’ll realize that you’re wrong a LOT of the time. In fact, whenever she says you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Accept it. It’ll get you through to the make up phase a lot faster.

After a few years, love making — and i hate to say this for fear of scaring away newbies (bare in mind this is only MY take on things based on MY own experiences, so take it in stride, but) love making starts to take a back seat to things both of you deem more important in life. Having kids, raising the kids you already have, buying your first home together, building your nest egg, and generally building up your home and family together. Love making doesn’t go away. It’s just not priority number one anymore. Which is most likely as it should be. You’re still doing it. You’re just not doing it three times a day anymore.

Even in the best marriages, there are times when you’re going to look at this person standing there yelling at you and think “I can’t wait to get out of this hell on earth with this crazy person. I don’t know what happened to her (or him), but they have changed!” But lo and behold, if you widen back and don’t take any of your feelings too seriously (as long as you’re not genuinely being abused), then you’ll do just fine. I have found that the most important things to keep in mind, and practice, are #1, remind yourself of who that person really is, of how much you loved them –oh yeah, did i forget to mention that there will be times when you will actually hate them? Sorry. But it’s true. #2, recognize that chances are they still love you too; they’re just stuck in a creation that they can’t see out of at the moment. Give them some space and time. Personally I find that girls need more space and time than we men do. But that sounds awfully like an over-generalization, so be weary of going there. If you do notice that they need space and time to heal and integrate or to forgive you, give it to them. Don’t rush to make up just because YOU feel good. That’ll just piss them off more. #3, recognize that you’re going to be wrong sometimes. No matter how convinced you are that you’re right, in whatever it is, you may not even see it, it may take you hours or days or weeks to see it, but if you stay open and honest, you will see it. And in that moment it’s very important that you acknowledge that, to yourself AND to your mate. Let them know that you see where you went wrong, that you’re truly sorry, and that you’re committed to not doing it again.

[A note on this: This is an unbelievably difficult thing to do for some people. Since I took the Avatar Course at a very young age, I was lucky to already have those tools from a very young age. I didn’t have to go back and relearn how to do life, because I learned early on how to navigate it with this amazing technology. One of the things I noticed is that when we are in the habit of doing something we label “bad” or “wrong”, it may be very difficult for us to see it. Ever try to tell a person who lies a lot that they lie a lot? Notice how crazy and indignant they act? That’s because they’re in massive resistance to this reality about themselves. I’ve noticed it play out in real time in my own consciousness…. I’ll be brewing about some fight I’ve had with PLT and for a second I’ll get this thought that maybe if I hadn’t have done “such and such” then perhaps we wouldn’t be in this position… but then as soon as I start going there, I feel this major pain reflex swell up within me. That’s resistance to being wrong or bad. So you have to start practicing being honest and open and widened back enough to feel if these things are true or not. If they are, if you really did do such and such and that really is why you’re in an argument with your mate, then you gotta feel it, accept it, try to feel where it comes from, why you do it, get to it’s core, let it go, and decide from that moment on not to do it anymore. Just don’t forget to apologize for it. Just because YOU’ve discreated it and don’t plan on doing it anymore doesn’t mean that SHE doesn’t need to hear you confess it and commit to not doing it anymore. This is important I’ve found.]

If you give all that to her, granted if you’re in the right relationship, there’s a good chance your mate will do the same with you. You begin to trust this process. It works. And before you know it, you’re back under the covers madly in love again. It may SEEM like an impossibility when you’re both caught up in some crazy argument or fight, but if you’re with a good person, it just works out that way. Pretty soon you’re even more in love than you were during your first honeymoon phase. I don’t know what to call this other phase… I haven’t named it yet. Which is funny, because I name everything… But it’s deeper than the honeymoon phase. It’s this unconditional love and trust phase. It’s partnership, but on a very intimate level. It’s a deep unspoken trust. And it’s very very fulfilling and comforting.

Look at it this way. This is the person that you’re going to share a bed with for the rest of your life. Every single night for the rest of your life you and this other person are going to sleep side by side, right next to each other, bad breath and messy hair and all. But none of that matters. Because, if you’re with the right person, you will find that there is nothing more comforting, nothing more satisfying, nothing more caressing to the spirit than this ritual of spending each and every night together side by side.

I assume one has to be in the “right” marriage though. Because honestly, as a buddy of mine, The Poet, and I have occasionally discussed, you literally start missing the person 30 minutes into their absence when they leave on a trip of any kind (if you’re aware they’re going to be gone for an extended period that is…). It still blows me away. Because until this relationship I didn’t have that experience as a reference point. So I doubted those who made such exclamations.

Which leads me to realize how important it is for each of us not to waste even one day with someone who is NOT “the ONE” for us. How will you know? You’ll ask them to marry you. You’ll be consumed with the idea; and with them. Oh yeah, I know, you “don’t believe you need a piece of paper”; you’re not a traditionalist or a mainstreamer. Hah! You’re preaching to the choir baby! Remember? This is the Ambassador here. I not only used to say the same thing and feel the exact same way, I wrote that fucking book.

Then i met “The ONE”. And all that bs flew out the window and I immediately felt, for the very first time, this unyielding unquenchable longing to have children with and get married to this person. Because then, and only then, can you really understand what “marriage” is, or why it even exists. Without that feeling, those feelings, then yes marriage does appear to be “an archaic man-made government mandated tradition to protect women and children and secure a more civil society”. Gotcha. It is all that. For sure. But just wait till you meet the ONE. Then everything changes… Even for the most wild crazy iconoclastic brilliant and bohemian of us on the outermost fringes of society. You’ll want to throw out your list of “why marriage is not for me because I’m too smart/cool/hip for it”, because you will be consumed with making sure that this person is with YOU and YOU only. And the only way to assure that happens is to put a ring on that finger and walk down that aisle. Besides that, you’ll just WANT to. I know it sounds insane. But you’ll just WANT to. You’ll actually start thinking about. You’ll dream of it. You’ll fantasize about how beautiful she’s going to look on your wedding day and showing her off to all your friends and family. It’s a crazy thing, this metamorphosis from bachelorhood to bridegroom. But it’s a great ride.

Until then, it’s all a guessing game. It’s all cafe chats with friends over wine and appetizers about this one and that one and what that first date was like or why you know you should break up with so and so but maybe not this week…. It’s endless. And it’s all a big waste of time. Looking back now i can see, there is no “guessing” necessary. As everyone says, you’ll know. It’s a “lift you up off the ground and toss you around like a tumbleweed in a twister” kind of KNOWing; an “I can’t do anything else but think about and talk about and take actions that have to do with them and if I can’t be with THEM all the time then i don’t want to live!” kind of thing. It really is like that. Not just for rom-com loving, air-headed, romance obsessed tweens or silly romantics. It happens to the best and brightest of us, the staunchest sharpest minds.

I know you’ve heard and read this before, and I know that if you’ve been waiting a long time that you have your doubts. But I promise you as someone who waited a LONG time for it that it is exactly like that. And if it hasn’t been yet, then you just haven’t met the ONE yet. So wait it out. Don’t settle. Because life’s too short to settle for second best when you can have BEST.

Perhaps there is no better way to sum it up than with the words “true love”; maybe that’s why those words and that expression is so commonly thrown around… (though words don’t do it justice and if anything tend to bring it all down, make it much too earthly when in fact it’s quite a spiritually uplifting experience through and through…). I believe it is something — along with true inner-peace and personal freedom (democracy) — that everyone should be blessed with at least once in their lives. For I forget sometimes what a true blessing it is. Until I am reminded, as I was today. So this is my wish and prayer for you, and you and you and you. That this magical mystical true love finds you, if not today then some time very very soon. For there is nothing else like it in the world.

Bouncing Back When Flat — Ed Hale Opens Up in New Book and Interview

Ed Hale Star Guitar promo photo. Photo by Fiona Pepe, Styling by Jenascia Chakos 2013.

Ed Hale star guitar promo photo by Fiona Pepe, styling by Jenascia Chakos copyright 2013.Earlier this year Ed Hale gave an in-depth interview with the website, where he opens up more about his music, business, spiritual and personal life than ever before. The interview also makes mention of the potential release of a new book entitled Bouncing Back When Flat. The interview is being reprinted here for Transcendence Diaries readers in its entirety with permission from the owners. Original interview published on February 1st, 2014 here: Bouncing Back When Flat — An Interview with Recording Artist Ed Hale recently had the opportunity to get recording artist Ed Hale to sit down for an in-depth interview. This is a project we have spoken about doing for several years, and the New Year seemed like the perfect time to finally complete it. Hale has been in the public eye for most of his life, having released his first album at the age of 17. He is best known as a singer-songwriter and recording artist — as the lead singer of the musical group Ed Hale and the Transcendence, scoring numerous Top 40 hits over the last fifteen years — including classics like “Superhero Girl”, “Scene in San Francisco” and “New Orleans Dreams”. He is also well-known as a successful entrepreneur and businessman, a prolific writer, and an outspoken social and political activist and human rights advocate. He has a reputation for being open and outspoken about his personal life, especially in his popular long-running blog The Transcendence Diaries, which is celebrating its twelfth year online this year. He is refreshingly candid about sharing his spiritual views as well – a rare quality in the entertainment world. Being actively involved in community building and Civilian Diplomacy work with organizations like Habitat for Humanity and Fellowship of Reconciliation (FOR), Hale has traveled the world extensively for diplomatic, peace and work trips and speaks six languages. Most applicable to this site, Hale has taken all of the Avatar Courses numerous times over the last 15 years and continues to do so on a regular basis.


FlyFreeAvatar (FFA): When I first thought about talking to you for this interview, there were two questions that came to mind immediately. The first was about how your music has been affected by taking the Avatar courses. And the second was about all the success you’ve had over the years and how much of a role you think Avatar has played in it.

Ed Hale (EH): Yep. I can see that. Those are the two questions I get asked the most when it comes to Avatar. But that’s TWO questions you know. [laughs]

FFA: Okay so let’s start with your career success. With the band’s last album’s success and the hit singles you had from your solo album, “Scene in San Francisco” and “New Orleans Dreams” climbing the Billboard Top40 Charts, why don’t we start there? With your career success. How much of a role do you think Avatar has played in that?

EH: Well I had achieved success in music at an early age. Long before I took the Avatar Course for the first time. So I don’t want to mislead anyone on that count. But it was short lived. I mean, I was signed, released an album, had a few hits and was touring before I finished high school. And then it was all over before I graduated college! [laughs] But this latest success? I think we could safely say that I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for everything I learned in Avatar; let alone be in Billboard magazine.

FFA: Your early career, that was when you were known as Eddie Darling…

EH: Yes. That’s the embarrassing truth. But you know, when we’re young… we don’t know. We think we know… but we don’t. At the time I guess I thought that was a cool sounding name. But that was such a crazy experience to go through at such a young age. None of it was on my terms. It was all up to other people. Just a very large greedy money-making machine. If they like what you’re doing, you’re in. If they don’t like what you’re doing, you’re out. No compassion, no sense of artistic integrity or guidance. It was really disheartening for me as a young artist. I thought that was going to be the start of this amazing career, but it didn’t last very long. A few years in the big leagues and it was over and I was back in the local club scene.

FFA: But you obviously didn’t give up on music, which has been a hallmark of your career, this persistence. What led you to keep going?

EH: Well I did give up for a while there. I went back to college and got really into that. But it didn’t last long. I just couldn’t stay away from making music. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel comfortable NOT making music. It’s just the one thing in life I enjoy doing more than anything else. Except being married of course! [laughs] The difference was, when I went back into music then, that it was going to be on MY terms. I didn’t feel like I had any control in it my first run-through. So that was one of the many reasons why I took the Avatar Course. I wanted to harness more deliberateness in my life. Not sure if that’s a word… But I really liked the idea of “living deliberately”. [Living Deliberately is the name of the first book by Harry Palmer. Palmer is the author and creator of the Avatar Course and has published many books on the subject.]

FFA: You were young when you took Avatar for the first time.

EH: Yes, I was 21 or 22 years old. Back then that was considered “young”. Now there are kids eight and nine years old taking the courses. It’s incredible. I used to feel like “the kid” around those courses. Now I feel old compared to these kids. [laughs]

FFA: Yes. It’s amazing. But still, 22 is still pretty young to take Avatar. Especially back then when the course was fairly new and unknown. What prompted you to take it?

EH: Well it’s like what I was saying, about the last album, and really all of them over the last ten years… I took Avatar initially because I wanted to feel more in control of my life. I wanted to feel like I was creating my experiences. I could FEEL that what it was about totally vibrated with what I believed personally. I mean, the whole “we create our experiences based on our beliefs” premise… I believed that already. Or at least wanted to. But how do we control our beliefs? That’s what puzzled me and interested me the most. And I learned how to do that on that first Avatar Course; and in the future ones that I took like Masters and Wizards. It gave me the ability to create my beliefs deliberately. So instead of feeling caught up in a large out of control system like the music business, I created feeling in control and confident. And every album since has done better than the last. It’s really been a very positive force in my career. For sure. There’s no arguing about that.

FFA: So do you use the tools regularly?

EH: Yes. Absolutely. I try to live through them… By using them all the time… Like in every moment. After a while, it transcends “using the tools” and just becomes… a way of life, a habit, how you live.

FFA: Have you used the tools specifically about your career? In other words is there a direct correlation between the success you’ve had and using the Avatar tools?

EH: Yes. Absolutely. In terms of using them specifically around my career, I learned from some of the more experienced Avatars out there – and I’m not sure if this is “a thing” or not… But I learned that they might go to a course and dedicate that whole course to just one aspect of their lives, like say their career, or money. Other things come up of course, because it’s all connected, all the different aspects of our lives… but I went to a Pro Course [The Avatar Professional Masters Course] and decided to dedicate the whole course to my career. And it was a truly amazing experience. Doing it that way.

FFA: In what way?

EH: Just the discipline you have to have in order to do that, to stay focused on one thing; controlling your will to be able to do it. And then the variety of tools available to you to explore that one aspect of your life. They offer you so many different perspectives you’ve never thought of before. And the course keeps you on track to really get to the bottom of things. In whatever you’re focusing on. In that case, tackling your beliefs about one specific subject, like your career, from the variety of different angles that are provided to you by using all those different tools. We released the Rise and Shine album a few months later and that album took off bigger and faster than we ever expected. It opened the door for us. Before that, we were a new and relatively unknown band. After that album, we became a national act. The songs were charting in cities all over the country. That was when I first started learning about where all these cities were that we hear about all the time around the country. From the radio station play charts. [laughs] I can’t help believe that part of what helped all that to happen was because I had dedicated that course a few months earlier to focusing just on my career. It was so effortless.

FFA: Have you done that with other areas of your life? Is it something you always do?

EH: No it is not something I always do. But I have done it with other things. But not usually. I did it regarding relationships one year and that was also very successful. I found my soul-mate because of doing that I believe. I cleaned up all the beliefs I had about love and romance and relationships… But usually I just take the courses and allow whatever comes up to come up. And you know, what I notice is that if your attention is on your career, then that’s what’s going to come up for you anyway. So it’s not really necessary. It all tends to work out perfectly if you don’t fight it and you just let it flow. Ultimately it’s your consciousness, no one else’s. You just have to decide if you want to be a victim of it or the master and leader of it.

FFA: That’s well put. So how do the courses affect your music? As an artist?

EH: Well I get that question a lot. And the answer is I honestly don’t know. I know that the answer is supposed to be really incredible and mystical or magical in some way… There’s this expectation there it seems… But honestly, in terms of music, I’ve been writing and playing music since I was a kid, since before I could walk. So if I were to be totally honest, I don’t know what affect it’s had. Freedom maybe?

FFA: That’s fair. Freedom in what way?

EH: Well… I can tell you this. When I first took the Avatar Course and then the Masters Courses, I felt OUT OF THIS WORLD. I had never felt so good in my life. Just like… I don’t know, flying is how I would put it. High as a kite, but without drugs. High on life. [Hale is very animated as he speaks. His eyes are wide and he uses a lot of hand gestures.] I felt SO confident and SO fresh and new and GOOD inside. I KNOW that came through in the music I was writing back then. It gave me a feeling of invincibility and that definitely translated to me having a new-found confidence as a musician and as a writer… to write whatever I wanted to and forget about any of the so-called “rules of the business”. You know? So in that sense, the courses did affect my music tremendously.

FFA: Some of your songs are very spiritual. You tend to write more specifically about spiritual matters than other mainstream rock or pop singers…

EH: So now I’m mainstream? That’s a first!

FFA: You know what I mean, singers in the public eye… most of them don’t write about spirituality as much as you do. Even the ideas of Avatar and Abraham Hicks are referenced. I also couldn’t help notice that you credit Harry Palmer on some of the songs.

EH: Well yeah, [laughs] you get so excited after you first learn all that knowledge. It’s a big WOW moment. Like discovering chocolate or sex for the first time or something. [laughs] But bigger. Just the knowledge is mind-blowing, right? So it’s a given that you’re going to want to share that with people. Just not go overboard with it… hopefully. But if you use the tools on a regular basis, if you practice BEING an Avatar… then you feel like you’re walking on clouds most of the time. Those ideals and principles are embedded in you. Simple things. But profound. So they tend to come out in the lyrics. If I write a lyric that sounds really close to something I’ve read then yeah I’ll give credit to wherever I think credit is due. When I was younger I was writing a lot of songs about spirituality and transcendence and stuff like that and it really did feel like I was channeling the ideas of Avatar through music at times. So I would credit whoever was the inspiration. That doesn’t make our publisher very happy [laughs] because it creates a lot more paper work. But it’s the right thing to do. Harry Palmer’s ideas have been a huge influence on me and how I think… ever since I was a kid.

FFA: Does he know that he’s written songs with you?

EH: I don’t know. [laughs] That’s a weird way to put it. But I’ve never kept it a secret. We’ve never talked about it. I always wonder if he gets these checks in the mail and then wonders where they’re coming from. [laughs]


FFA: You’ve also had tremendous success in business, as an entrepreneur.

EH: I’ve tried. [laughs]

FFA: Well you have. That’s an aspect of your career that isn’t talked about as much. You were a successful entrepreneur before you were 30, irrespective of your career in music. And that seems to be a running thread throughout your life, starting businesses and being in business, since you were very young. [Hale started his first company at the age of 20 when he opened up a rehearsal and recording studio. Since then he’s owned health food stores, juice bars, a vitamin manufacturing company, a business consulting company, a record label and a real estate investment company.]

EH: Yeah, for sure. That’s another one of those things that I just absolutely LOVE. Business. Being in business. LOVE it.

FFA: You say that about a lot of things!

EH: Maybe I do… [laughs] I don’t know. I guess I just love a lot of stuff. Hey that’s the Ambassador!

FFA: So what is it about business that you love?

EH: Well I was raised in that kind of an environment, number one. I grew up with my parents owning businesses. So I think that was instrumental in it. And I have just always enjoyed being in business for myself more than working for other people. Though I don’t necessarily believe that it’s easier. I actually think working for other people – especially for a large company – is the easier path to take, for sure. But for someone like me… I just could never imagine doing that full time and long term. Plus, there’s also a real rush you get out of the risky and adventurous aspect of being in business for yourself. Unlimited reward but unlimited risk as well. I get off on that.

FFA: But how do you keep up with it? And how does Avatar affect it?

EH: You know that’s two questions, right? [laughs] I’ve always been fascinated by being in business for yourself. Since I was a kid I always admired those kind of people. Tony Robbins has been as big an influence on me as say, someone like John Lennon. Almost equal. And I also found that I was good at it, or at least lucky in it. So I keep up with it as best as I can. Probably not as well as I could honestly. The Avatar thing, that’s a different story. It helps obviously. I know that. That’s the thing… Avatar helps you with everything. It’s not just one aspect of your life. It’s your whole life that is affected.

FFA: You’ve talked about Harry Palmer and Tony Robbins a lot throughout your career in interviews. They seem to come up quite a bit.

EH: [laughs] Yeah I guess I do. But hey if you’re going to have mentors, they might as well be great ones. And for my money those are two of the brightest minds in the world today when it comes to personal achievement. Even though they’re very different. Stephen Bauman too. He’s more of a spiritual intellectual who keeps your integrity on its toes. But really all of them do that. [Stephen Bauman is an author, speaker and Methodist Pastor in New York City]

FFA: I know your love for Tony Robbins and Stephen Bauman. But in relation to this website and its readers, how does Avatar help with your success in business?

EH: Well to me I think the answer to that question is obvious, but for someone who’s never taken any of the Avatar Courses before…. okay, we can go there… Say you’re experiencing the same challenge over and over again in your business. Everything seems to be going well except this one thing… Or perhaps LOTS of things… You can keep banging your head against the wall over it… Hire new people, recruit consultants, read more books, take more classes, etc. etc. OR you can take a look at the beliefs underneath this problem and once you discover them, you can then DIScreate them. That’s a term that Harry Palmer came up with in the Avatar Course. It’s brilliant. And voila! They’re gone. That challenge will no longer be there. THAT’S how it can help. It’s miraculous. If people have ever seen that movie The Secret… it’s like that. But it’s real.

FFA: You make it sound so easy.

EH: Well in a way, it is. Not all the time. But it isn’t rocket science. It’s a very natural thing. It’s an organic process, just like breathing oxygen. We just have to re-remember it… Discreating limiting beliefs helps us remove obstacles in our life that up to that point seem insurmountable to us. I can honestly say I would not have experienced the level of business success I have had in my life, especially as young as I was, without having that knowledge and those tools. To me it’s a no-brainer. The same with religious faith. Both help.

FFA: Speaking of obstacles, you’ve had your share and always seem to bounce back, which has been an inspiration to many people. What’s the secret? Or does that give away the plot to your new book? [Hale has a new business/inspirational book coming out this year entitled Bouncing Back When Flat]

EH: Besides what I just said? [laughs] I mean that kind of sums it up, right?

FAA: I was hoping we could go a little deeper.

EH: Okay well which ones? There’ve been a lot of them. [laughs] It hasn’t been as easy as people seem to think it has. It never is. Not for any of us.

FFA: A few years ago you experienced a major business setback that left you broke and even homeless for a while, which is what your new book is about. I’ve read some of the interviews about that experience and it’s shocking. But you turned it around. What I’m trying to come to is how you did it? [In 2006 Hale discovered that his business partner, Naomi Whittel (nee Balcombe) (now at Reserveage Organics), had sold one of the companies he had founded, Ageless Foundation Laboratories, without his knowledge to a publicly traded company. Hale found out through the SEC filing. Naturade Inc., the company who purchased Hale’s company, didn’t even know Hale was an owner of the company when they made the purchase, finding out months later. The story has been written about extensively, but Hale has been relatively quiet about it.]

EH: Yeah, that… [This is the first time in the interview Hale becomes quiet, anything but animated.] That’s still a tough thing for me to talk about. But I understand that it’s important and why you think it’s relevant. I’m still coming to terms with it all.

FFA: Well that’s why you wrote this book, right?

EH: Yes. Absolutely. It’s an important story. I know that.

FFA: Not many people can imagine living through that kind of a setback, let alone bouncing back from it. But you did. Rather quickly some would say. And you have had tremendous success since then.

EH: Yes, I know. And I’m very grateful for that. Hence the book. If I can do that, then anyone can do anything. That’s how I look at it.

FFA: I read an interview you gave last year where you did talk about it and it was inspiring. I only ask because the story does have a happy ending. You didn’t let it take you down, but instead you found a way to work your way back to the top. That’s an incredible achievement.

EH: Yes, it did take me down. I mean, how could it not have? One day I was going about my business and living my life, not a worry in the world, and then in one fell swoop everything I had in the world was gone. Bank accounts, credit cards, my company, retirement savings. Everything. Gone. It was the single most challenging thing I’ve ever lived through. For sure. But you’re right, I didn’t let it keep me down forever. I started from scratch and rebuilt. And slowly I was able to rise back up.

FFA: Without giving too much of the book away, how were you able to do that?

EH: Well for one thing, my faith is very strong. We’ve talked about that. I’ve never hidden that. I try not to be preachy, but I also think it’s bullshit, pardon my French, when entertainers keep their faith in the closet because they’re worried about how it’s going to affect their career.

FFA: You’ve certainly never done that.

EH: No, I haven’t. I talk about it when it’s appropriate. It’s important to me and I believe it’s important to a lot of my friends and fans.

FFA: You write a lot about religion and faith in your blog and sometimes sound almost anti-religious, almost like an atheist, which I know you’re not. And yet at the same time you write a lot about being a Christian and how challenging it is. Can you explain that a little?

EH: Well I’m definitely not one of those “100% sold” kind of people. I think anyone who’s really honest about their religious faith is going to be confused about it… and struggle occasionally. Because there are just so many contradictions in religion and spirituality… The difference with me I guess is that I haven’t necessarily chosen a side yet… I’m still open to all of them…. dissecting it all. And I explore all that a lot publicly in the Diaries. [Hale is referring to his long-running blog The Transcendence Diaries].

FFA: I know a lot of people find that inspiring. But you also anger certain groups of people with this “openness”.

EH: I know. And I don’t mean to. What I’m really doing is what I believe we should all be doing if we’re serious about spirituality and faith… questioning, studying, exploring. I’m not trying to make anybody mad or even question what they believe. To me it’s fun. It’s academic. But it also meaning beyond that.

FFA: I think most people recognize that. So your faith is one of the things that brought you through that business challenge?

EH: Without a doubt. A lot of reflection and prayer. And a lot of counseling with mentors. Seeking advice from older people that I looked up to. Also I had a really strong community around me. Family and friends who were there for me. That’s a tremendous asset. Something that you can’t buy. If it weren’t for that, I don’t know if I’d be here today. Because when that kind of thing happens to you, you really start questioning your life. All your effort and hard work and even your beliefs, things that you’ve taken for granted your whole life all of a sudden… you start questioning.

FFA: Like what?

EH: Well like… just everything. For example, you assume that if you work hard and you’re a good person that you’re going to succeed. That’s what I’d ALWAYS believed. My whole life. And I experienced that. Over and over again throughout my life that’s what I experienced. And then when this happened, it was so shocking, that it was hard to put those pieces back together, of that belief. It didn’t ring true to me anymore. Being a good person did NOT equal being successful. I started wondering if maybe that was just bs and perhaps we were supposed to be bad people and that was how to succeed. That was my first gut reaction of course. It took me some time to overcome that idea…. because bad people seem to succeed just as much as good people.

FFA: It’s easy to see how you could come to that.

EH: Right? But here’s the thing. I was wrong. We’re not “good” people because we want to succeed. We’re good people because we believe that’s the best way to live life. You know? My friends and family would call me every day, I mean every day, just to see how I was doing and check in on me. That was a big help. And we would talk about it and little by little they got through to me. I remember this one time I was driving around Manhattan with a friend, Big Mac, I LOVE this guy. He’s super funny, a southern guy. And he had just finished seminary at Princeton… So he is a spiritual guy too…

FFA: You write about him in your Diaries. I know the name.

EH: Yep. I write about EVERYBODY in the Diaries. Much to their displeasure! [laughs]

FFA: I definitely want to talk about that later, because I have a lot of questions about your blog and the reaction you’ve gotten through the years, but I don’t want to interrupt your train of thought. So go on with the story.

EH: Okay… So I was telling Big Mac how I was trying to make sense of God’s plan for my life with making this horrible thing happen to me. With Naomi and the business. That perhaps God was trying to show me a different path to take, rather than all this success and being a business tycoon that maybe God wanted me to be more focused on making the world a better place. And Big Mac, he just looked over at me and said “Bro I could never believe in a God like that.” I’ll never forget it. That was just one of those moments in life you never forget. I was like “What do you mean?” And he said “Ed, God doesn’t make bad things happen to people. God is grace. And love. Who did this to you? This Naomi chick did this to you.” The way he enunciated her name in his southern drawl… I can still remember it… He said “People did this to you man. God didn’t. God is the one helping you. Not hurting you.” I turned around in my seat and I began to cry. Right there in his truck. Because that was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. I had been so puzzled by it. I couldn’t figure out WHY it happened… I was still trying to make sense of it. But he made me realize in that moment that it didn’t have anything to do with God or God’s plan… it was people. If anything, God is there to help us, not hurt us. At least in his view.

FFA: And is that your viewpoint now?

EH: Yes. Absolutely. That really resonated with me. When he said it. And looking back, still, it totally changed my whole point of view. That’s what I mean by my beliefs were being challenged. I was actually so fooled for a while there that I thought maybe that “God” wanted me to suffer in that way… It’s crazy. But luckily, if anything it made me stronger. And more importantly it offered me a reference point for how to view life when bad things happen to us. That it’s not about blaming God, every time something good or bad happens to us. People were the cause of it. And more importantly so was I.

FFA: How so? How were you the cause of it?

EH: Well that’s the part where I think I got the most out of the experience. Where if there is anything positive to take away from it, I got it. The first thing I did, because I had taken Avatar, was I started looking at my own past actions to see what was there, what had I done, in my life… I started reflecting on my own responsibility in the whole thing, instead of blaming anyone – and trust me it was easy to blame people… it was a horrible thing they did, they broke the law in a hundred different ways, and worse… broke my heart by taking advantage of our friendship… I HATE stuff like that… people like that. But I knew I needed to look for where and how I was responsible… So on the one hand, I saw how we have to be real when it comes to people doing harmful things to us; it happens. We can’t live in a bubble and pretend that there aren’t bad people out there. Because there are. But I also saw that I had some responsibility in it too.

FFA: That’s admirable, but in what ways were you responsible?

EH: Well I can’t act like I did anything overtly wrong to cause it… Sometimes people can make the mistake of over-owning things I think. It’s not like I was acting unethically or broke the law or something… I was a good guy. Same as I am now. But I had been warned that that kind of thing might happen before it did… at least a hundred times before to be honest. It wasn’t like it came out of the blue. I had been in business with Naomi for years. And that was the main thing we argued about, was her always wanting to break the law and me always saying that we most certainly should NOT. And our employees would always be stuck in the middle, between our two viewpoints. She constantly accused me of being “self-righteous” and I just wanted us to play it straight. So I had definitely been warned already. But what had I done about it? Nothing. Sure we had stacks of legal agreements between us that prohibited us from doing those kinds of things… But based on what I’d already experienced with her in the past, I should have known better. I should have taken more action BEFORE all that happened. And I didn’t. Why? Because I was being lazy, yes… or because I was resisting conflict. For sure. I didn’t like conflict of any kind. I love people and I love harmony and I’m all about love and peace, you know? So I just pretended like everything was fine when I knew it really wasn’t. I could feel it…

FFA: You were in denial… of your intuition?

EH: Yes, absolutely. Living in denial. Pretending. I helped to create the whole thing through knowing about the potential for something like that to happen and NOT doing anything about it. NOT acting when you know you should can be just as bad as TAKING an action that’s harmful.

FFA: So you took responsibility for the experience? Did that make it easier to deal with?

EH: Yes, absolutely. It gave me a sense of relief. It enabled me to feel the remorse for my non-actions that might have contributed to it, and other things, and then to move on. What it does is help you feel responsible for it rather than like a victim of it.

FFA: That’s a great example of using what you learn in Avatar in the real world.

EH: Yes. Totally. I think so. That one experience compelled me to fill three whole notebooks with actions from my past that I felt weren’t necessarily aligned with being a good person and to make amends for them. In order to get a fresh start. It led to a lot of self-reflection and taking responsibility for my past. I became a better person through doing all that.

FFA: When you’ve written about the experience that’s what you mean by it also being a positive experience…

EH: Yes. Let’s face it. No one wants to go through something like that. To have everything you own taken from you by other people. That’s a bad thing. The betrayal aspect of it alone is enough to make you feel so discouraged and ungrounded… so unsure of yourself and the world. When someone lies to you so overtly and is doing it from a place of friendship, it can really screw with your mind. But you have to find a way to turn it around and see the positive side of it. And for me the best way to do that was to start looking at me instead of at the others. And to start planning how I could improve who I was as a person… Once again I saw firsthand how our actions in the world can affect others, either in a positive or in a negative way. That’s the least we can do. Take stock of our actions and make sure we are having a positive impact. So that’s what I did.

FFA: That is inspiring. And within a few years you had overcome it and were back on top again with three hit albums, songs on the Billboard charts, and your now infamous trip to Iran… Do you think there’s any correlation between what you went through and the success you’ve had?

EH: No. I don’t. Maybe, I don’t know. I know it inspired me. But only through necessity. Before that happened I was really enjoying life. Taking advantage of how hard I had worked and how successful I had become. After that, I was forced to go back to square one and start over again and rebuild my entire life and career from scratch. It really inspired me to become successful again. I was determined to. So in that respect yes there was a correlation. But I’ll tell you this: no one should ever believe for a minute that they need to endure some kind of tragedy or suffering in order to succeed. That would be a very impeding and unnecessary belief to cultivate.

FFA: That’s a good point to make.

EH: Well if you go and read a lot of the articles that were written when our first album after that experience came out and became successful there is a lot of attention paid to the whole rags to riches aspect of it, “from homeless to Billboard!” became a headline. As if there was a romantic aspect to it. And I can promise you that there is nothing romantic about going through something like that. If you can avoid it, do so.

FFA: Well the story is an appealing and inspiring one, from an entertainment or person of interest point of view. You can see that…

EH: Yeah, I can. Totally. Which is one of the reasons why I wrote a book about it. I mean, I get it. How often does something like that happen to a person? Not very often. It’s more like a movie than real life.


FFA: There is another aspect about that experience that I wanted to have you talk about if you don’t mind, because I think it’s important. Ultimately you decided to settle the whole thing with your partner out of court. Yet the case still remains unresolved years later. Why did you decide to do that? And do you regret it now? [Naomi Whittel signed a settlement agreement to pay Hale for the sale of the company in order to render it a legal transaction months after the sale and prevent the case from going to court, but the agreement has never been fulfilled.]

EH: Well that’s more than just one question….

FFA: Okay. Why did you agree to settle out of court? Why didn’t you just go about it in a more traditional business manner?

EH: You mean by taking legal action?

FFA: Yes. Laws were clearly broken. Contracts were breached. It seems like an open and shut case.

EH: Right, I know. And it was. I get this question a lot, especially from other business people. There was a ton of criminal activity revealed. Fraud, forgery, tax fraud, embezzlement, a lot of lying and stealing… You know. Crazy stuff. It was something right out of a movie. Totally unreal and way outside anything I’d ever dealt with before. It’s insane when you think about it. This was a situation where yes, I probably could have played tougher… But for one thing, there’s a good chance that Naomi would have gone to jail if I would have gone public with it by taking it to court. And I was still operating under the misconception that Naomi and I were friends. We had been engaged to be married after all for years. So I still cared about her as a person. Secondly, she literally called me every day for years from the moment I found out what she had done…. Begging me to settle. Even though it may seem in retrospect like such an open and shut case now, at the time, I was still receiving these calls from her every day begging me to settle and not go to court. I felt very pulled. Between my loyalty to her as a person, and to her family… And to doing the right thing perhaps…

FFA: So now you think that taking it to court would have been the right thing?

EH: Well it would have been the more normal action to take under those circumstances…. But also I felt that there had already been enough legal action in our lives. I mean, she had created such a huge mess of legal actions for us already. It was all lawyers and law firms galore… for years. No one was winning except the law firms as they say. But because I had made peace within myself about it, and she was pushing hard for an out of court settlement, I looked at both outcomes… Part of me really wanted to “get justice”. Because in business that’s what you do. If someone commits a criminal act, they deserve to get what they get, right? Justice, to the full extent of the law. I got that. But at what cost to me and my own sanity? And at what cost to my family and friends? They’d already been through the ringer because of what happened. I reflected on it and prayed about it a lot… And it just seemed like settling it was the right thing to do. To put it behind us as quickly and smoothly as possible.

FFA: Plus you assumed that once you settled that it would really be over and behind you as you say.

EH: Yes, I did. Totally. I thought that would be the end of it. The end of “the Naomi saga” once and for all. It happened. It was bad. But the ball was in my court. I could sue and drag it out in court for years, or I could forgive and settle and move on with my life.

FFA: But it didn’t end there. After all that, the settlement agreement remains unfulfilled. Which is what led to the major setback you experienced. So do you regret that decision now?

EH: Yes and no. Yes, because I wish it were over. I regret what I had to go through. And I am sublimely shocked that we’re still talking about it years later. I don’t honestly know how she can deal with it still being out there open and unresolved. But no, because in that moment I feel like I made the most responsible and mature decision that could have been made at that time. Trust me, forgiveness in those kinds of situations is difficult… but it’s the HIGH road. Being vindictive or seeking vengeance, that may be the more common road, but it’s not the high road.

FFA: Yes, as an Avatar I completely understand you choosing forgiveness over revenge. Even though in the end it was a costly decision…

EH: Yes, it was. So far at least. But I’m still giving her the benefit of the doubt. That’s the part that a lot of people don’t understand. At first she swore up and down that she had nothing to do with it, that she was “forced into it by her husband and this pack of evil attorneys” they had hired. I didn’t necessarily believe her… But you know, when you’re close to someone like that… It’s hard to cut the line completely that connects you. There is still love there. And compassion. You want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

FFA: But it sounds like a very one-sided kind of compassion.

EH: Maybe it is… That’s something I wonder about sometimes. Long story short, she swore up and down that she had every intention of fulfilling the agreement, and more than anything she was just afraid. At the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, by being compassionate and forgiving, because that’s what WE do, right? And protecting her…

FFA: Yes, I agree. That’s what we do. But this brings up the question of when is it better to look out for yourself by taking a more Guardian Heart approach? [Guardian Heart is a concept explored in the book Resurfacing by Harry Palmer.]

EH: I know… There’s a fine line between being a nice person or a good person and letting someone take advantage of you… They are two different things. And sometimes we confuse them. Maybe I’ve crossed that line now… I hope not. But I can tell you now, after going through all of that, I understand the importance of the Guardian Heart a lot more now, of not confusing being a nice person with being someone who allows others to take advantage of them. That IS something that we tend to get confused sometimes as humans. I also see the importance of standing up for what we believe in or just being committed to protecting ourselves and our loved ones. I know what you’re getting at. And I am in no way attempting to promote forgiveness as being equal to letting people take advantage of us.

FFA: There is a certain responsibility we have to ourselves and to others in defending integrity and justice for the good of everyone…

EH: Yeah, absolutely. And that’s one of the reasons why I decided to write the book about what happened. It’s not just about the inspiration factor. But more about the responsibility to others. Not just to inspire other people who might be going through a similar challenge, but also to warn people that this kind of thing can happen to the best of us. No matter how nice we are or how good of people we are. No one is immune to it. You have to look out for yourself, no matter how nice of a person you are. But it is how we deal with it that is the true measure of a person.

I remember Tony Robbins telling a story once about how he went through a similar experience in his business life. His CFO was also his best friend and he discovered that this guy had been embezzling a ton of money from their company and it just shattered him; challenged his optimistic outlook for a while. When he told that story, I couldn’t relate to it at all. I was too young. I had never gone through anything like that. But when almost the same exact thing happened to ME… THEN I could relate to it. And knowing ahead of time that he lived through it really helped me. His story and his struggle with that inspired me. And I’m sure there are a lot of people who would be surprised that something like this even happened to me, because I’ve never really talked about it openly before. But I get it now. That responsibility to share it so other people can learn from it. That’s important.

FFA: I believe it is too. Not to spoil the finale of your book, but can you share at least a little about how you were able to rebuild from something like that? Tangible things, actions that you took.

EH: Yes, absolutely. If you can imagine waking up one day and being absolutely flat broke after years of working and having made a ton of money… Going from wealthy to broke overnight. That money still exists, but you just can’t get to it. Someone else now has control of it. You can’t even afford your next meal because your bank accounts have been taken over. Horrible right?

FFA: I find it hard to imagine. I think most people would.

EH: Well me too… Until it happened. After it happened, I wasn’t just broke; I was also extremely disheartened. It was hard to believe in humanity at all. But I didn’t want to become a jaded person. Or cynical. Or believe the worst in people. So I used the Avatar tools to let all those potentially negative beliefs go. I discreated them. And I deliberately created being who I really believed I was: a generally positive and optimistic person who believed in myself and others. I took every guitar I had and walked each one to a different friend’s house and left it there and said “I’ve been hit in a bad way. You know this. I need money for an attorney and money to eat. Here’s a guitar. This is what it’s worth. If you’re willing to help, I’ll leave it here till I can pay you back.” And you know, every friend I had was more than willing to help me out. It makes me emotional still. Because it really showed me how powerful friendships are. I had guitars all over the city in different people’s homes as collateral. And honestly half of my friends didn’t even care about collateral. That was just for me. To make me feel more comfortable in receiving help…

FFA: That’s exactly the kind of thing I was hoping you would share. These tangible actions that you took. I think people will find them very inspiring and informative.

EH: Well yeah, obviously in that kind of situation you have to find a way to get on your feet. Just to be able to eat. The part that hurt the worst is that Naomi and I were connected at the hip for ten years before that. We were engaged to be married for God’s sake. AND business partners for years after that. So she knew that once she did that that I would literally not have a cent to my name, nor even a way to eat. It was astounding to me that someone could do that. But once it happens you have to move on and find a way out of it. So that’s the first thing I did. Then I hired an attorney to help me sort out just what the hell happened. And then I started doing consulting work to bring in money. Business and health consulting. And of course liquidating assets. Physical things… And then I started hardcore trading again.

FFA: You mean trading in the stock market?

EH: Yes. Something I already had a lot of experience with. But besides real estate there’s no faster way to make money fast when your funds are limited. Of course it works in the reverse as well. So you really have to have a strong stomach and nerves of steel. But it was all about taking very real and tangible actions to move forward and start to rebuild. All of this AND still trying to finish recording the new albums with the band at that time and play shows in different cities.

FFA: I remember that. I bet a lot of people wondered why you changed so many things in your life at the time.

EH: Yes I’m sure they did. Because I also leased out my apartment in Manhattan for a while to make money. Whatever it took. Living with family and friends. It was a freaking nightmare honestly. But it was also a tremendous challenge and so kind of fun… When people asked me what was up, I didn’t hide the truth. But I also didn’t advertise it. I just kept moving forward. It was an insane position to be in. But you start from where you are. You start with the basics. You create being happy to be you, and simple things like “I can do this”. “I can make it happen”. “I believe in me”. Things like that. Using the Avatar tools to create those realities. Or whatever “tools” you have available to you. In spite of how challenging things may appear. You do it anyway. And at the same time you announce it to the world. Tell everyone what you’re doing. For me that meant telling everyone “The Ambassador is down but he’s not out! I’m rebuilding the empire!” Perceive it as a challenge, a doable challenge. And set about every day to being real with where you are… but also striving toward bigger things. I truly believed that I had learned a valuable lesson, but that I was not meant to stay down for long. That was not my destiny. I didn’t take all these courses and read all these books to let one major setback ruin my life forever. I was totally committed to rebuilding in spite of that setback.

FFA: When the first song from your new solo album made it onto the Billboard Charts, after going through all that, did it feel like your hard work had finally paid off?

EH: Are you kidding? Yeah. It was amazing! We laughed, we cried. And then laughed some more. A lot of jumping up and down screaming. One of the greatest days of my life. Friends calling from all over the country because they just heard the song on the radio or in their car… Things like that. I think because of the immense disadvantage I had been placed in – and everyone knowing about it…. That’s what made it so much more enjoyable for everyone. To be down like that and to rebuild it all from scratch and then top it off by hitting the Top 40 a few times. That was an amazing moment for sure.

FFA: You really did “bounce back when flat” as you say.

EH: Yeah, it’s hard to believe. But we did it!


FFA: And it didn’t end there. Around the same time, you were invited to be one of only a handful of Americans to visit Iran post-revolution on a peace mission. How did that come about? [Hale visited Iran in 2009 on a well-publicized Civilian Diplomacy mission along with eleven other Americans in leadership positions from a wide cross section of different industries. He represented the arts. He just returned from a similar trip to Israel-Palestine recently. In between he’s also visited countries in Africa, Europe and Central and South America to build homes and community centers.]

EH: I’m glad you asked. Because it’s actually a really magical story in a way. I was at this silent retreat at a convent of nuns…

FFA: You always say these things that sound so outrageous… Like you’re narrating a movie.

EH: Hah! Well I’m telling you, this is what happened. It sounds crazy. But that’s how it went down. I was at a silent retreat at a convent of all these sisters in the middle of nowhere in upstate New York. Episcopalian I think. And you couldn’t talk for like a week. So I used that time to just unwind and decompress. But they had this policy where during meals you could do some light talking… something like that. I met this one sister who was really cool, very hip. And we shared this passion for global human rights activism. We couldn’t really talk that much. But we got to know each other. And at the very end of the retreat she told me about this historic upcoming delegation of Americans who were headed to the country of Iran for a two week peace mission. She said that the application process had expired, but that if I got mine in really quickly that she’d put in a good word for me with the international organization that was putting the thing together. I had been trying to get into Iran for five years. I must have applied ten times and was denied every time. I had already been studying the language, Farsi, so I could speak the language a little bit… That helped. And you know, there’s more, but basically it all came down to me being at this silent retreat in the middle of nowhere that got me into Iran. Sort of. I suppose it was more than that. But that was the original impetus.

FFA: Being in the right place at the right time. It’s fascinating how these little miracles happen in our lives when we’ve put our attention and intention on them.

EH: Exactly! First our attention, then our intention, get rid of beliefs or ideas that are in the way and BAM! Things manifest!

FFA: Can you talk a little bit about your activism?

EH: Well it is something that I am passionate about. I think it’s an easy way to feel good. Because you’re giving back. It’s not all about you. It’s nice to step outside of it being all about us sometimes. A lot of times actually. [laughs. Hale has become reanimated. His eyes have that light back in them.] Every one of those trips will stay with me forever. I hope this is only the beginning.

FFA: And again you started a business around it. But this one was a non-profit. What is the goal of your organization?

EH: Just that. Peace with Iran. Exactly what it says. I honestly see it as a reality. I see it happening. Maybe not this year. But soon. The alternatives are far worse than the simple act of a peaceful reconciliation between the two countries.

FFA: From your mouth to God’s ears. What was the most important thing you learned from your trip to Iran?

EH: Great question. I’ve written a lot about this already, but I’d say that the first thing that struck me was how genuinely nice they are there and how much they love Americans. That was very much a surprise for me, for all of us on that trip. We never hear about what nice people the Iranians are here in the States. And we also don’t hear about how much they love and admire us here. That’s an important thing to share I think.

FFA: What other areas of activism are you interested in moving forward?

EH: Well now a lot of my focus lately has been on Israel and Palestine… That’s the real hotbed I believe… Even in regards to Iran, it seems to all come down to Israel and Palestine at the foundation.


FFA: Before we go too far off into world politics, can you talk a little bit about your new albums? What keeps you motivated to keep making music at such a rapid pace?

EH: Well I tend to write a lot of songs. AND at the same time I tend to have a lot of ambition when it comes to always wanting to out-do what we did last time, artistically. Every time we get an opportunity to make a new album it feels like such a privilege. So at first we just head into the studio to record our quote-unquote next album. It always starts out as a simple process and then it just starts to slowly get more and more complicated. So it’s just me wanting to challenge myself, see how far I can take it I guess. And the fans, their reaction to it…

FFA: So are the album titles official now? The ones that were just released to the public?

EH: Almost positively yes. Welcome to the Rest of the World for one, and Another Day in the Apocalypse for the other. They’re starting to sound really different from each other now. And the songs have been chosen for each. So we can see the finish line… finally.

FFA: So when can people expect to hear the first single or finished product?

EH: We’re not 100% sure, but my guess would be sometime this spring or summer…

FFA: Well I know a lot of people are excited to hear the albums. The last thing I want to ask you is if there was one thing that you could share with people about any of the Avatar Courses, what would it be? As someone who has taken all the courses and continues to do so.

EH: Well that’s easy. And hard, because there’s so much you could say about it. I mean, it’s a HUGE thing, right? I write about it a lot actually. On the one hand, it’s a way of life. It’s a way of being… You learn a whole new way of being, through becoming more adept at feeling and using your intuition… You become more honest and real. More in line with the truth. But on the other hand, it’s also just a series of courses. You know, it is what it is, whatever each person makes it out to be. I guess that’s what I would say about it. That in essence, the Avatar Course is essentially just a series of courses that contain all this confidential knowledge that you sort of already know, way down deep inside, like it resonates strongly when you read it, as if you’ve known it all your life, right? [Hale is once again excited and animated] And yet now it’s been broken down into very easy to understand and doable steps. That’s amazing! No one had ever done that before. I could go on and on… but put it like this: Take all the cool stuff that we’ve read about in metaphysical and new age books, AND all those documentaries about quantum physics and the so-called paranormal, and then turn all that into a nine day course filled with exercises and processes that teach you how to actually do THOSE things. Tools to help you gain more control over your life and the world around you… more personal power. Now do that with hundreds of thousands of other people from all over the world speaking seventy-something different languages! THAT’S what Avatar has turned into now after almost 30 years. A giant collection of the most enlightened or maybe better put the most enlightenment-seeking people on planet earth. It’s the coolest thing happening in the world right now hands down. Hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world working on being the best they can be AND trying to make the world a better place! Incredible stuff. People always ask me, “Is it worth the money?” And I’m like “Oh my God, no… it’s worth ten times as much.” Talk about a paradigm shift. If someone is looking for a real paradigm shift –something really transformative in their lives – I can’t think of anything else as powerful or noteworthy. At least not yet anyway. Out of everything out there. And I’ve tried it all and then some.


To find out more about an upcoming Avatar Course, visit

To find out more about Ed Hale, visit iTunes or


What Would You Do With 86,400 Seconds?

Tomorrow life will offer you 86,400 seconds of “time” to do with as you please. That’s eighty-six THOUSAND seconds. Feel for a moment what one second feels like. Now, if possible. And then two seconds. Breathe into a few of them. You’ve got the time after all. Interesting right?

Speed things up a bit. 60 of those seconds creates (in the paradigm of space-time we created not too long ago and presently live in) one minute. -1- One minute. If you’re bold, and strong, feel what one full 60 second minute feels like. Don’t do anything but just feel what one minute feels like. There’s no right or wrong way to do it. Just breathe through one or two. Interesting right?

Tomorrow you will have one-thousand four-Hundred and forty minutes to do with as you please. 1,400 free minutes are yours. Barring any unforeseen events that might slip the rug out from under your allotted time here-now. That’s quite a healthy amount of free time. Over one-thousand free minutes.

Of course if we were to go bigger we could see that 60 of these giant spaces of time, these minutes, creates one hour. (Again only within the confines of our own self created “approximate time of earth rotating around the sun” paradigm of space-time measurement). These 1440 free minutes provide us with 24 hours of free time to do with as we please. Twenty-four hours. Twenty-four sixty minute HOURS.

That’s a lot of time. Broken down like this it offers an oft not seen perspective of just how much free time we have available to us each day. One can only imagine what this would look and feel like if we kept going. Twenty four hours is one full day. One full day. Fathom that. One whole long or short full day of free time. Extended out it seems like it just might be able to extend so far we’d lose interest in doing all that counting.

But day by day we can do. 24 hours at a time. 1440 minutes at a time. Or 86,400 seconds. All split up in whatever way we’d like, to do with as we please. What an incredible gift. We have no idea where all this free time came from. Nor where we are. Nor why we are here. Nor even who we are. Those are all mysteries. But we do know that tomorrow is going to arrive and though we still won’t have any of these questions answered we will still have all these seconds and minutes available to us to do with as we please. Again what a gift. A brilliant glorious magical mysterious gift to be sure.

Tomorrow whatever you choose to do with your 86,000 free seconds of time I hope you enjoy it. I hope you help others enjoy theirs too. I hope you are happy content well-fed and nourished and along with all that that you are grateful for those incredibly precious 86,000 seconds of free time and that you make the absolute most of them… And that even if for a few seconds that you feel love. If all this free time is our canvas, surely we are the paint and love is our masterpiece. Wishing all that and more for you.

Yours most sincerely,
The Ambassador

True Love Finds the Honeymoon Never Over

It occurred to me a few days ago actually, the question of whether or not the honeymoon phase of new love can last forever, or just how long it does last. The real question in that moment as I pondered was more to the point of just how long does this phase of feeling madly and blindly in love last and once it’s passed what replaces it? Once the stars disappear from our eyes when glancing at our beloved what replaces them? Are we destined to lives filled with a different kind of love than the one that prompted us to commit to this person for the rest of our life in the first place? Is it simply because that kind of dreamy steamy “make love three times a day no matter what” love isn’t meant to last forever? Is that kind of love even real? Does that kind of love only exist in the first place because it is borne from the novelty created by two souls who know each other not and therefore it’s only the newness of the relationship that creates those special feelings?

Or perhaps it’s as some scientists contend, those feelings we translate as new love and infatuation are nothing more than a witches brew of certain endorphins and neurotransmitters swirling about in our brains — see the book Your Brain in Love. Once we get used to the other person, which is bound to happen if we spend enough time with them, we cannot help but notice that those feelings begin to dissipate and eventually they disappear entirely. We still love the person. Sometimes at least. Most people seem to. Or at least approximately 50% — according to statistics at least. Some kind of love still exists. But it isn’t that dress your Sunday best every time you see each other kind of love any more. That’s been replaced with a different kind of love. Or so they say.

It’s a subject I’ve found myself pondering all my life. It was one of the reasons why it appeared to most that I for one would stay the perennial bachelor, never becoming the marrying type. As one good friend, Ducky in fact, noted upon hearing of the news that I had gotten engaged a few years back, “Well I hope everyone in hell is enjoying the cool weather, because it’s surely frozen over”. I’d experienced it more times than I can count, that walking on clouds with stars in your eyes kind of love entering our heart like a locomotive and then quickly leaving the station as fast as it entered. These Diaries can attest to that more than just about anything. It wasn’t something I could control after all. Or so I thought. It just always seemed to happen that way. I couldn’t do anything about it. I was a victim of it as well as an observer of it as a strange and rather cruel phenomenon.

So as much as I loved the idea of a big friends and family get together that lasted all weekend where I’d proudly watch the woman of my dreams walk slowly down the aisle towards me while old ladies and gay men teared up, I’d really never felt compelled to get married before. Only to Cleopatra Ecstasy. And even then I knew as well as she that though we both said yes to our clumsy, hasty engagement, neither of us were in too much of a hurry to set the date of the wedding any time soon. We were ridiculously young at that time. The novelty and excitement of being engaged and all they comes with it seemed fulfilling enough to us. Neither of us were dumb enough to ever fathom even for a second that we’d make a good married couple long term — once the giddy fun of opening all those wedding gifts and setting up a new house together wore off . No, ours was purely an agreement of partnership to build our lives up together to a certain level and once we did (and I’m forever grateful that we were able to accomplish that together) we easily went our separate ways. (Though for the record this in no discounts how much I loved her, or she me I’m sure). Unlike most though, we never allowed ourselves to be fooled into believing that once engaged a marriage must inevitably follow.

But all that changed when one day I found myself so madly in love with a girl that all I could think about was her having my children. What an odd feeling that was. I had always wanted to have children. A large family. Always knew I would. Just never felt the desire to have children NOW. Or THEN. It was always something I wanted in my future. And then all of a sudden it was all I could think about whenever I was with this girl. Laying in her arms or her laying in mine I found myself completely consumed with the desire to impregnate her and take care of her while she bore our children one by one over the years. And because of this feeling I knew it only followed that marriage would surely follow. I of course never pushed the idea, still remaining rather fearful of the long term commitment aspect of the venture. But she insisted that though she was having a blast trying to make babies that there better be a proposal coming around the mountain pretty soon. So we got married.

That girl was Princess Little Tree. Oddly enough a girl I had already known and was friends with for years before these feelings swelled up within and surrounded me. I had always loved her. As a friend. My best friend. And more… Was always attracted to her in a magical way that words could never describe. But that kind of love, the stuff of marriage and children, never entered my mind or heart with Princess Little Tree simply because we both knew from the moment that we met that it was an impossibility. How silly we were looking back now.

We flirted with being boyfriend and girlfriend numerous times through the years only to break it off after a few months each time. This went on for years. Nearly a decade. And then during one of our many on again off again “on” periods we both asked a simple question as we headed for the car to part ways once again as we had so many times before: what if we make plans now, right this very minute, when the next time we are going to see each other again will be? Instead of just saying good bye and not knowing when that next time would be? We reviewed our schedules and realized with some tricky rescheduling we could fit in two days together in about four days from our parting. It would be tricky and involve a lot of flying cross country but we could make it work.

So instead of parting ways in tears only to put the walls back up and the feelers back out to look for “the one” yet again once separated from Princee, we left each other’s presence with the excitement and anticipation in our hearts of knowing that in just four more short days we would be together once again. We began doing that more and more. We made a pact. No more parting ways not knowing when we are going to see each other again. From now we will plan it before we separate.

Our love become stronger. Much stronger. Unbearably strong. So much so that within months I was unbridled with a longing to never leave her side and even if I did I wanted to have children with her. With HER. Children. Now. Not in the future. But immediately. It was as if that was it. I had met the woman who I wanted to mother MY children. And I wanted them NOW. Not later. This was a deeper richer stronger more powerful kind of love than I’d ever felt before. It wasn’t purely attraction or infatuation. It was something I had no words for, because I’d simply never experienced it before.

It’s well past 3am and I must sleep. But we are five years into this incredible adventure together now. There have been times when all i could think about was getting the hell away from her. That’s the truth. That’s relationships. No matter who it’s with. But my heart always comes back. To her. Not just the kind of love we have for someone we are close to and hence the love in the first place. Of proximity. Of need. Of convenience. But that indescribable and magical love. The kind that makes you want to grab the person and hug them and squeeze them and never let go. The kind that brings an uncontrollable child-like smile to your face when you’re cuddling next to them in bed at night because you’re so damn happy to be a part of something so fulfilling and beautiful. A something that brings tears to your eyes from pure unadulterated joy and contentment. From their smell and their touch and their being welcoming you so freely into their space for they too are happy as you are. And for the same reasons.

When you see her she still melts your heart with her beauty. When she speaks in that unique and special way that only she does she still makes you giddy like a high school kid on prom night. You enjoy catching glances of her when she’s not looking. She still brings a rush of energy to your insides and compels your heart to skip a beat.

Perhaps the honeymoon phase never leaves us when we find true love. If we’re smart enough to wait for it and lucky enough to find it. Perhaps it hides sometimes. Takes a break to catch its breath as we all must once in a while. But if we commit to it, my experience leads me to believe that it stays committed to us in return. It has for me so far. So I must admit I find myself pondering this question less and less as the years merrily roll by. And for me that’s something, for if there’s one thing I do, it’s ponder. But this seems to be one of those subjects that necessitates less and less pondering and more pure and simple enjoying.

– Posted by The Ambassador using BlogPress on an iPhone

Love Not Love

I am very confused by the heart. It is no wonder that we all at one time or another find ourselves at such odds with our hearts. It is a battle sometimes. Oftentimes when we are on the outside of someone’s heartache, the solution seem so clear to us. And yet when we find ourselves facing a similar battle it doesn’t seem so clear.

What intrigues me most is our ability to still love someone who is clearly not “the best” for us. Or for that matter when we find ourselves still loving someone who does not return our love. You know, its an amazing thing. this. How no matter what we do to attempt to convince ourselves that we need to move on our heart still holds a special place for that person…. I wonder what that is? Why it is. Of course due to the public nature of the Diaries I am unable to fully go into the details of these torrid affair as much as I would normally before this experiment started…. what’s it been now? six years? seven years now…. wow…

I need to, really. For in writing I find the most relief from such maladies. But suffice it to say that I believe that in essence the real dilemma lies in the fact that at our very core we long for love. So in cases where we simply don’t have any love in our lives, our heart is willing to project true love’s fulfillment on the closest person that fills that role in our lives at that time.

I believe that is why it isn’t such a bad thing when necessary to just up and leave our environment when we have to in order to escape the clutches of being in love with someone who just isn’t going to ever fit the bill. If that isn’t an option and oftentimes it isn’t, then it is best to just stop communicating with the person altogether. Move on and just get them out of our lives as much as possible in order to get them out of our heart and mind as much as possible.

One of the things that I find most peculiar is this strange tendency of mine to still long for a girl even after I have made a decision that she isn’t the right one for me. I actually find myself feeling jealous if she expresses liking some other guy or going out with another guy. Now in times past I used to beg for those situations so I could rid myself of having to deal with the guilt one feels when one breaks up with a girl, but even then, I find myself feeling terribly agonized over them liking someone else. and this is even after I have let them go and know without a shadow of a doubt that they aren’t the one. Even then I still feel this great pain in my heart. it is two feelings simultaneously that are actually totally opposite of one another. On the one hand there is much about the girl that bothers me, even at times, just flat out annoys the hell out of me. And on the other hand I still find myself jealous and hurt that she is liking someone else and actually find myself wanting to be with her.

Such is the case now with a few. And for the life of me I cannot quite understand the nature of this mental and emotional anomaly. Why on earth would I even care? I mean is it not a blessing that one girl or another likes someone else and is now no longer projecting onto you that you are “the one.” She is no longer feeling sad or bitter or lonely or resentment towards you that you don’t want to be with her. That’s a blessing to be sure. And yet, every now and then, it still sneaks up on me with certain girls and hurts.

I think what it comes down to is that there are some people – when true love strikes us, which is rare – that we just never stop loving. No matter how incompatible we are with them, no matter how much they bother or annoy us or just downright create a feeling of disdain or loathing in us about them we still in our heart of hearts love them and are in essence still “in love” with them. With Weather Girl that’s what happened. No matter how much I feel that we are incompatible and how much she annoys me at times, there is still this cupid’s arrow kind of love for what she represented at one point in my life. You see? Not HER. But what she represented – what I was projecting onto her when Cupid’s Arrow struck…

With Sabine it’s more like she’s just this giant object of sensuality and mystery to me that will always captivate me, even though again I know we are completely incompatible. But I feel enraged sometimes when I think of her with another man, even though that is precisely the best thing that could happen to her, for both of us… And with Princess Little Tree I still feel the same love for her as I did when we were a couple. The only difference is that now I love her more as a friend and want her to be happy. I mean, talk about pain. fuck. We milked that for as long as we possibly could just because we wanted to be together so badly… but eventually I think we both just got tired of the constant pain of that realization in the back of our minds that we weren’t the best for each other because of the age difference and all. We had already been told that we were husband and wife in our last life from more than one psychic and I think that helped us understand the instant connection and attraction and deep care we had for each other, and in a way it helped it make it easier for us to say good bye to our idea of being together in that capacity in this life. God was that sad.

It hurt sometimes. All of it. All of them. I’ll tell you that. it hurts like a sonofabitch. It stings. It causes the body to tense up and clinch up and writhe in agony. Even though we very well know that they indeed aren’t “the one.” But that doesn’t really talk to the heart. the heart has its own switchboard and I don’t think that anyone knows how to tap into it yet or make a call into it. It just has its own special line. Only God knows how to get in there and talk any sense to it. time I
guess is all that can really heal these things…

I’m doing alright with it. The easiest cure of course is just to be in other relationships. And then you don’t really think about it. you get yourself a new crush and then you aren’t thinking of the old ones anymore… well that’s the theory. For me that never actually works either. Because if I could have it my way I would have them all together as my wives and we would all be fine. In Iran when I met with the infamous Iranian filmmaker Khoshrow Sinai who is now in his sixties, I met one of his wives. He lives with two wives and they are best friends. Two children from each wife. And they are all very happy. I would like that very much. I guess I essentially I have that now in a way… just in a slightly covert way… and without the fringe benefits…

The real dream would be to meet ONE GIRL who could satisfy all of it. I mean, people get married for a reason… it isn’t always just for children or tradition or convenience or even just temporary infatuation. Sometimes there is really something amazingly magical there…. and my dream would be to meet HER. that ONE girl that could really be THAT ONE for me. Where I would not need a handful of them to satisfy all the various different aspects of my gigantic personality… I wonder if that is possible… to have one girl that could do it… something to think about.

The closest I ever came was Cleopatra, but I was a kid and I was really fooling myself because she really wasn’t on the same plane as I. I mean, eventually once the infatuation faded away we realized that we were very different from each other. We loved each other deeply and took such precious care for one another but we were on totally different planes so we argued insanely and passionately and horribly all the time. It was truly a nightmare. I’m very glad that I was mature enough to make the decision to “start separating to see if we could work out our differences.” Proud of her too. We made the right decision.

And since then, I’ve always wondered if there was one girl out there who really has it. all of it. the whole thing. not just the looks and the package, but also the old soul and the brains… the breeding, the enlightenment, the ability to keep up, the kindness and caring and unshakable integrity and honesty and lust for truth. I think for each of us, what we are really asking for is quite the miracle, and if we are lucky enough to find it, we should remind ourselves just how lucky we are.

The other day I received this email from Dina, remember the cute little gelato girl from Roma? Gosh I cannot even remember what name I assigned her in the Diaries… and I don’t feel like looking it up… we had a great time for about a week or two in Rome just before I left. If you want to jump into that whole scene head to the Diaries from June through September 2003 and read all about it. There are some truly wild stories to be had there.

In any case, she fell in love with the song “Vicodin” from our Sleep with you CD that had just come out that year. (Good for her, cause it’s a damn good song and once she “got it” you know, not just liked the music, but understood the whole idea behind the song, she sort of took it as her theme song for a while…) And so she creates a new email address for herself from that point forward calling herself Vicodina… still now. Which is just fucking classic. In any case, we’ve kept in touch for the last five years and that’s the way it should be…. So the other day I get this reply from her because it was her birthday…

Ciaoooooooooooooo Fishy,
It is so nice to heard you, first of all you have to exuse for my english that i’ m sure it will be really hard to understand. Thank you for remembering my bifthday, I’m relly impressed your memory has win the battle with all the drugs you had in the past! Hahahhaaaa! Anyway my life goes really well, i’m working with my love fabrizio in a nice restaurant near Rome and we are living togheter from 1 year already, i have lost all my bads abits (i remember you was really worried for me) so now my life is more normal. I have to say that sometimes i still get drunk but is just because i don’t want to feel too old .I ‘m 31 this year and i still think i ‘m 28 ,and if you could see me i’m sure you will agree with me that time did not change me a lot. what about you ? please let me now if you come in Rome to play with your band, and if you got time tell me something about the life in the big apple…….. Tanti abbracci e baci dalla tua amica romana

And you know, that’s the thing really. Is that its all about us being able to share with each other like this AFTER we are in a relationship with someone… you know, if we work everything out alright. If everyone puts their cards on the table and is honest and clean and has integrity, things can always work out alright and we often find that our best friends in the world are our ex-lovers…. with me and Sabine… we are still in that stage where we are struggling back and forth a bit. Still this tug of war. You know, I never know whether I’m coming or going with her really. I mean she’s such a fucking mystery. One minute she loves me, the next minute she hates me. then the next minute we’re just friends, then the next minute she hates Weather Girl just because I once liked Weather Girl. And then she just likes me as a friend. Just makes no sense. But she’s one of my best friends in the whole world and I put up with it all no matter what because we have the potential to be really good friends one day.

Lately I think she’s coming around. Perhaps we both are. We’re getting to this new stage where we can hang out and laugh and really be friends…. at least on the phone. Being a professional “ballerina” she’s not around that much anyway, so its better that way. Its weird though because I still find myself unable to just hang out with her and NOT think about her in a romantic way. which fucking drives me crazy. Because I don’t want to. And I know she doesn’t want me to either. You see? That’s where we were when we started…. And that my friends is the puzzle. First one to figure that one out wins the prize.

Fuck For Nature

An interesting idea to say the least, the Norwegian environmental activist group Fuck FOr Forest is a non-profit that asks other activists to send in photos and videos of themselves in the buff or having sex so they can post it to their website and then nature lovers can pay a small membership fee to view the material. All the proceeds go towards protecting the forests. They are currently working on buying up land to protect in Ecuador and Costa Rica acres at a time. I love the idea. Bold. Fun. Creative. Downright jolly. Check it out here:

Luck or fate

Slept in till noon. It is pouring here at the lake house. cliffy cat is doing some carpentry on a picture frame. Boo boo as always is studying some new course she is taking. ‘oh you taking a class in something? how out of the ordinary!’ we laugh. She is always taking a class in something. I am out on the back covered porch, taking in the peace and quiet of the pounding rain. Writing. always writing. and thinking. always thinking.

I sit on the back porch and write, watching and listening to the rain. Soaking it into me. city life is so hard is one of the thoughts that come up. Have to find a way to still live in the city or close to the city but still live outside of it though. I need the woods. I need nature.

Last night I sat with cliffy till the wee small hours of the morning, talking and drinking and smoking in the thoughts till there was nothing left to say. He shared with me his appreciation for our music. how often times there is a transcendence CD in rotation in his car along with all the others. how the songwriting is as good or better sometimes than anything else he listens to, and how much he loves the vocals. ( I still always find myself a bit surprised when people speak about my vocals being good, because I started off as such a bad singer, has taken me years to even consider that I could ever sing well. (and indeed would still contend and do that I don’t sing well, I know.)) How as he purchases each new album from our back catalogue he is always amazed how good we are, how much he loves our work. He finds himself stumped as to why we are not huge, why we are not a household name in the music business. he rants and raves. Throws out his favorite songs from each album… he is a huge music lover. He may own every good album ever made. so it is indeed a compliment coming from a guy like him. And I don’t even mind. I observe with one part of me how the other part of me doesn’t even mind anymore when peeps are complimenting my music. that’s different. It used to make me feel uncomfortable. I even enjoy it. I celebrate in it. I like my music now. I mean, I really like it. i like doing it. I enjoy listening to it. I like that others like it. it all makes me feel good. I even like when other people don’t like it in a weird way. (in fact it is those individuals that steer me to venture into different directions now and then.)

As he ponders the reasons why I haven’t become a huge success after all these great albums I offer that perhaps it is just luck or fate or destiny and not much to worry about. I make enough to keep doing it after all, and with each new album we gain more and more fans, such as himself for example. And besides, I have made a career out of doing exactly what I want to do, never taking any advice from the upper-ups in the biz. That itself could be a big part of it. I’ve just never been as interested in pleasing others or mass success as I have been in just accomplishing my goals artistically, feeding my own cravings and desires. For twenty years now my family and friends have been pressuring me to make just one “commercial” album, but I wouldn’t know how if I tried. I’m not even sure what that means. And I’m not sure it wouldn’t kill me if I did break it down and try to figure it out.

Somehow I have found myself understanding that I have walked through the fire with my music and art now. I am on the other side. I am so ecstatically in love with my music and art now, with my creativity, with my quest to continue to explore it and adventure in it, and to achieve exactly what I want to with each new album, as a complete whole work of art. It is as though, yes, I have walked through the fire. And I stand at the other side, cleansed and rebirthed and shining, just happy as all hell that I do what I do and that I can give myself and a few others these gifts.

We also speak about the importance of releasing albums as whole complete works of art, as zeke and Jodiach and I spoke of the other night as well. how important it is even in the new climate of the business now focusing on singles for radio, that we continue to focus on whole albums as singular works of art. That is why we spend so much time and energy and money on artwork still in our camp. Because we believe in the album as a whole. As a statement. As its own little package, or message. Each song an integral part of the package as a whole. Buck the industry. Fuck the industry. Just keep creating your little world of wonder. That’s my motto.

He then tells me a little bit about his marriage and divorce. Cliffy cat is about twenty years older than I am. I share with him that is one of the reasons why I have never been married. Just never wanted to take the risk of divorce I guess. He shares about how just after he purchased this big beautiful house on the lake in the woods he came home to discover his wife was sleeping with their yard man. how he spent the next six months in shock, sitting on the couch staring into nothingness crying for hours, feeling very alone and betrayed. I can say nothing. I can only sit there and listen and smile and feel with him. yes my brother. being human. Isn’t it a curious and marvelous thing after all. we are indeed the envy of the angels.

As I drift off to sleep this night, I reflect on the weeks earlier events, and my life as a whole, how I have adamantly avoided ever allowing myself to even consider marriage forever to another. How it had/has been as much for reasons of protecting myself from such a fate, as it has been to protect all the wonderful girls I have had the privilege of being with from me inflicting such a fate on them. I would never want to cause pain like that for someone. one day I will be ready for the great leap into the forever unknown. I am sure. But not yet. my heart is too much the adventurer still. always falling in love. I will know when it is time.

Isn’t it curious though I think that in times like that it isn’t so much the missing of the other person that strikes us so deeply as it is the raw feelings of abandonment? For once a person does that to you, you don’t really want to be with them anyway. But you just cannot get over the feeling of being hurt by their callous betrayal of what you considered so sacred. And yet, we are all guilty of this betrayal of another at one time or another in our lives. No one is innocent. No is to blame.

Writing ‘Song for Juno’ right now, for Juliet’s six year old daughter. I first made note to write that song for her and for the upcoming Girls album back in December of last year. it took me ten months to find it in my head, from out in the ethers. I never mind waiting for a song to come. Write down the title and eventually the song will come…

Current read: Meditation, by Sir Thomas More.


It is so easy to fall in love isn’t it?

It is so easy to fall in love isn’t it?

Sdawg’s name has now officially changed to Britney, because she looks like the other Britney if you took away all the makeup, wannabe cool clothes, red state mentality, low-breeding, shallow wanton desperate for attention smuttiness and idiocy. And if she could sing – because Sdawg/now-Britney can sing like nothing you’ve ever heard. Picture Britney the one you know without all of those prior stated qualities that she is so famous for, and picture her in a short dress, a sunflower apron over it, baking blueberry muffins, while whistling or singing, and you have a pretty good idea of the Sdawg/now-Britney that I speak of, know, and love….

An insane night! But first let me fill you in on the pre-night:

First off, fan mail is getting overwhelming, nuts, and crazy. something in the stars perhaps. but the strangest requests. Naked pictures in the mail. Crazy email requests and solicitations as if everyone knows you, is your close personal friend. A barrage that is getting truly un-handleable.

Zeke and Jodiach flew into town today for zekes bday. we all hooked up. Sandina was there as well – who is actually TWO people – the two hottest girls you have ever seen but who happen to be married to each other. Good friends of ours and I think the world of them. and of course wish they weren’t gay sometimes so I could make mad passionate love to each of them. we had some good fun quiet time the five of us. Great times tonight talking about the Miami music scene and catching up. they filled me in on everyone down there and what’s been going on. zeke’s doing some work with Jon Secada and Lenny but other than that there isn’t a lot going on down there right now. Reggeaton is big there now. that’s about it. its not like the old days when there was this great rock music scene. Which is one of the many reasons why I bailed and came here. No where better than here right now.

Jodiach tells me that she now understands my song Vicodin. Before she used to think it was so weird that someone would write a song about a pill. But then she had surgery and she had to take Vicodin and she felt happier than she ever felt in her life. ‘gosh I told Zeke, if everyone could just be on Vicodin all the time the world would be such a happy place… now I understand why Fishy wrote that song…’ my sentiments exactly…

So anyway, I tell them to tell everyone hello down there, and if anyone asks so what’s Fishy doing right now? just tell them that Fishy has lost his mind, that I’m hitting all these karaoke clubs every night with this 23 year old girl; and they will totally freak out and think I’m insane. Is he on tour? what about the band’s new album? How is his TV show going? ‘uh… well from what we can tell, he’s just totally into karaoke now. He’s abandoned his career for karaoke now. Look for his new karaoke tour coming to a town near you soon!’ we laugh our asses off. The thing is that everyone would believe that without batting an eyelid.

O.k. so anyway it is true, after I separate from the group I meet up with Sdawg/now-Britney to hit some karaoke club dive bar on the Upper East Side. It is well past 1am in the morning. We’re in the cab and we are laughing our asses off that we are just starting our evening at well past 1am to hit these stupid karaoke bars. But we are addicted.

We go to the song books and find a bunch of songs and fill in the little sheets and give them to the guy, pissed that there is no Lou reed, no velvet underground, no “somewhere in my youth or childhood, from sound of music’ no ‘some enchanted evening.’ this is a small place. only modern shit pedestrian songs. After that is over, we start drinking, putting on a good buzz while we wait our turn, and listening to the other people up there doing their thing. of course its now past 2am and everyone in there is totally drunk and I mean, who the hell is in a bar at 2am on a weeknight anyway. say no more.

Now bear in mind, Brit is a professional singer. her parents are both singers, majoring in music, her mother a professional singer, being raised singing from the day she was born – her voice is awesome. And me, well, the older I get, the more I realize that I can actually sing a bit. Whether I sing well or not, I’ll never know – I never thought I did, but now and then I think I sound alright; but regardless, at this point, I can safely call myself a professional singer, no matter how good or bad I may sound . So we sit in these bars late at night and we wait our turn and we keep drinking waiting for our turn and as the night wears on we get slightly hammered…. good times… And we laugh and goof off because its just so not our scene that its ridiculous. But we cannot help going. because we love to sing.

We go up on stage when it is our turn and we sing Sorrow by bowie and it is so exhilarating, and the whole place quiets down to where you can hear a pin drop and everyone in the bar looks up on the stage to see what the hell is going on with their mouths hanging open. Who the hell is that up there?! because you know, we’re not Mr. and Mrs. Smith up there hammered out of our minds yodeling away all out of tune… we’re more like pretending to be Mr. and Mrs. Smith raiding these karaoke bars late at night just because we love to fucking sing so much more than anything else. (If there is one thing that I have been negatively accused of in the fucking Nazi-press it has been having a similar voice to Dave’s so me singing Bowie is totally cheating I know. But I can’t help it. its so addictive to sing other people’s songs.)

So we go up and do our thing, but you have to picture this. we sit there and face each other, not the audience or other patrons, and we sing to each other and the whole time we are talking to each other between verses. Sing a verse, “o.k. now you,” sing another verse, “o.k. now you take this one…” It’s hilarious. And we get into it physically and emotionally as anyone else up there does.

So then she does an amazing Crazy by that country singer patsy Cline and all these guys are swooning all over her. I mean, seriously, they are sitting on the stage at her feet, and on the floor of the bar staring up at her holding on her every word… she’s an angel to these guys or something. they are swooning. it really was crazy.

Then we go for Bowie’s Heroes together, which I totally nail but she gets a bit nervous. So the whole time we are talking to each other over the mics, we sing a verse, ‘o.k. now you take this one,’ ‘no I’m too nervous. You do it.’ I sing the next verse, ‘o.k. c’mon try it,’ ‘no, I can’t, you do it.’ ‘no, c’mon give it a try,’ sing another verse…. on and on like that. sounded awesome though. LOVE that song. really I just love to sing any song. love singing.

Right now we are totally dueting everything mostly because I am new at this and get nervous…. but this time she got nervous. Silly and funny right? karaoke can be intensely competitive at times one notices. If you’re a singer and you’re just moonlighting because it’s the middle of the night and you’re getting your rocks off, then who the fuck cares – it’s a goof, but you can tell that some of those people are day-jobbers who at heart are frustrated singers who are really good and they take the shit really seriously because karaoke is all they have and that’s a strange thing, but you can feel it from some of them. Some of the talent is really really good.

So anyway, while I’m singing a little all the way by Sinatra – but I’m totally copping an Ed Hale style, mixed in with a little Bono and Sinatra all at the same time so it sounds cool as shit, some middle-aged geezer is totally hitting on Britney; he’s got his hands all over her. So I jump down and tell him to bog off. I’m like, ‘what is she your girlfriend or something?’ and he’s like ‘no.’ and so I’m like, ‘yeah, I didn’t think so. so get the fuck away’ But he just drunkenly slurs some rude comment. Out of the blue this rage swells in me, so I take this glass of Stella and slam him over the head with it. Just knock him out cold! He falls to the floor out cold. We of course get attacked by the bar staff and have to run out of there laughing our asses off. Won’t be going in there for a few I would imagine.

I can’t believe how guys just hit on girls like that. its crazy. he had his hands all over her. she tells me that she gets that all day everyday from so many guys. I couldn’t imagine what that must be like. I also couldn’t imagine being her boyfriend. I would constantly be getting my ass kicked or kicking someone’s ass if she was always getting hit on like that. it would be maddening. Of course I told her last night, she could discreate it at anytime if she wanted to. after all it is she show is creating it. putting it out there. Brit’s 23 years old, so at that age, who the hell cares. Do whatever you want to. just live the life and enjoy the hell out of it.

What is up with this country and its current heroes? This is the current conversation we shared this evening amongst many groups of different friends as the night wore on. on the tips of everyone’s tongue right now.

Did anyone hear the comment william bennet made? He said something to the effect that we could lower crime in America by aborting all the black babies coming into the world. What a fucking crazy lunatic bigoted asshole. And he’s considered a heroic voice in the republican party.

Bush, rice, Cheney, Rumsfeld, rove, Paris Hilton jessica simpson Britney spears…. what a fucking crazy place our country is in right now… these are the heroes of the day. sad and pathetic and scary. But the question is begged, has it ever been any different? yes, that is the question.


Busy day. then a wine tasting with polar bear and Sdawg in the evening. And then a few songs into a concert of the band Blow up Hollywood, whom I really like. Then off to a karaoke bar with Sdawg who is all of 23 years old but I totally love her. I love our connection. She has a totally easy vibe about her. very real. And sweet. and down to earth. And no bullshit. someone came up to her tonight and asked her in a very typical New York way, ‘is that Marc Jacobs you’re wearing?” and she’s like, “no, its salvation army. Three bucks!” and that’s her in a nutshell. this you have to love. Part of her charm is that she’s this total space cadet hipster chick who walks around in a nun outfit when she feels like it, but she has this other side too, this darker depressive side that is entirely expected for that age and for someone who hasn’t discovered the niche they’re heading into yet. she’s just living the life right now. we sang a duet of don’t let me down by the Beatles which was awesome. I am totally hooked on karaoke right now since our band hasn’t played a show in about a fucking year! As soon as I get back from the weekend we are going to go full on karaoking for days at a time till she leaves for India. I hate that she is leaving for India for a year. but all seasons have their reason. Unless you live in Florida of course and there are no seasons. Then what is the reason for that?

I will certainly miss her though. I love all the girls I hang out with. But my connection with her is the easiest. Right now I’m seeing girls from age 23 to 46 and that’s an amazing thing. that’s something that you dream of in high school and college. no way you could experience that if you were married. So that’s a great thing. part of the real benefit of holding out on the old marriage thing. living the life. like I always say, the only drag about getting married is that its forever. at least in its present incarnation. So that’s something you really have to always try to remember. Hold off for as long as you can till you get it all out of your system. or until something comes along that just knocks you to the ground. Fucking a. what a strange night though. To go from this yuppie wine tasting into a rock concert into a total dive bar singing karaoke with all these crazy drunk Latino locals…



Being a gentleman

Portuguese lesson tonight with Manuela. One of my favorite restaurants in the city. (who thought of that spelling and ass-backwards pronunciation?! Totally retarded. Is it no wonder that everyone naturally spells that word ‘restaraunt?’ since that’s the way its pronounced. the word Wednesday is the same thing. just totally effing retarded. And in our schools here in retardville the teachers try to come up with some stupid excuse about the words derivation or etymology to explain why the whole country is pronouncing these words the wrong way. Give me a break. Either spell it the way it sounds or pronounce it the way it is spelled. Period. Enough with your bullshit. I remember the day the exact day our teacher tried telling us why Wednesday was spelled was spelled wrong and why we should just accept it. I thought it was bullshit then. and I think its bullshit now.

O.k. enough. But one day mark my words, I am going to hire a small staff to go into a lab for a few months and rewrite the entire English language so it makes sense. This is a promise.

I made this little poem about how retarded English is: “bluff, rough, scoff, cough, dough, tow, go, toe, plough, plow.”

There is a lot of irony in those ten words the way they are strung together. Just absolutely a retarded language when it comes to spelling and pronunciation. Look at those words! certainly linguists have already attempted to tackle English and turn it around… will research.)

O.k. so anyway I’m at this great Italian restaurant eating radicchio drenched in olive oil with Manuela. And she is drop dead. She doesn’t know it, which makes her even better, I mean just when girls are shy like that, there is nothing more repugnant than a hot girl who knows or thinks she’s hot, except a not so hot girl who thinks she’s hot. but Manuela is hot, and she’s totally shy still and humble and gracious and that’s refreshing. We are practicing English and Portuguese together. she is forced to speak to me only in English and I correct her and I am forced to speak only in Portuguese and she corrects me. it’s a brilliant set up. learned a lot. and because we both speak Spanish we can always fall back on that when we need to in order to grab at a word neither of us know in the other’s language. Its great.

Manuela is one of those good girls that you don’t meet anymore. Something out of the nineteen-forties. She’s been with one guy in her entire life, her ex-husband. amazing. great manners. perfect etiquette. She heard me say fuck once and she asked me in her very heavy broken English Brasilian accent “Fishy, do you say words like this?” almost shocked. In fact, she probably was shocked. And I said “no no. I was just kidding.” I don’t think she has any idea who I am. Who Fishy is. I think she just likes hanging out with me, doesn’t know much about me. I think that if she ever read these diaries that she would be truly shocked. Horrified probably. You just don’t meet girls like her anymore. A guy like me could destroy a girl like her because she just has no reference points to know how to deal with or relate to who I am or how I act or the things I say.

From this recent experience with the dove I was again reminded how important it is, this evening especially, to be a gentleman and really be careful in your speech and actions not to lead people on. if its not going romantic, you don’t play romantic. Period. You be a man. you grow up. you don’t play games with people. you are clear from the beginning and you act from that space. from a clean space. don’t blur the lines. Some people do it they say out of ignorance. They think they’re playing clean and they can’t figure out why people are misunderstanding their messages and getting hurt or mislead by them all the time. they swear they aren’t a player, but people keep telling them that they’re a player… other people do it just because they’re fucking vampires and they don’t care about the other. they are just sucking attention or affection for themselves selfishly, whether deliberately or not. Either way, its fucked up. I would say that in the last few years I have gotten really good at being careful about this and not giving the wrong signals if I’m not feeling it. I am proud of this.

I just think that in the end, no matter how many times we say it and think it, and feel it, it still all comes down to ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ if we can master that in this lifetime, we are there. in a nutshell.

New Yorkers are super into sports. You realize that pretty early on. I don’t mean people who live in New York. those aren’t New Yorkers. I mean New Yorkers. People who grew up here. they like effing love the Yankees. Man its all they ever talk about. totally foreign to me. But its kind of fun too the way it seems to bond them together. all you have to do is mention in passing, ‘how was the game?’ you don’t even have to say what game. Everyone knows what game you are talking about. and its instantaneous bonding. That’s New York. just a small part of what makes it such a great place to live and breathe.

Last screening: I finally finished the history of the barbarian tribes documentaries. So now I’m watching all the old Gong Shows. Seriously. I bought the whole freaking collection on eBay. I’m a FREAK. I know. but its so absurd and stupid. you really can’t believe that it ever existed. Chuck Barris is a God-clown.

Current spin: keane, again. and Yupi by Hashimoto. Brilliant!!! Buy it.

an intense day

An intense day, few days. Great lessons learned. Absolutely raw though. How can you describe the feeling… raw is the only word I can think of. Naked – pulsing – electric.

Take the already unfathomable events with Cleopatra over the last few months, and then the still lingering undercurrent of separation anxiety from Princess Little Tree that seems to simmer in my soul’s very bottom, at the very back of it all, in the back ground. I long for her at times and feel her longing. dance and sing and jump up and down for me my beautiful Persian Princess and ballerina. Smile for me and light up my world one more time in this lifetime before we part yet again forever. But it’s over. And that is still there whether we like it or not. Happy with our decision certainly, but still a little saddened by it. Awed by it. Appreciative and very loving and supportive of one another. I remain raw from it still, on the edge of it, but in awe of how we handled it. wizardly. But still human with human feelings.

Something else too, something totally weird.
The dove and I soared over the last few weeks. We had developed a deep, almost spiritual, nearly psychic connection to one another – though I had no idea how much so –over the last eight weeks. we had reached a peak on Saturday. We were in deep collaboration with one another on several different levels and platforms. not just regarding our non-profit work, but as friends, and as artists, and we had a very strange kind of spiritually romantic thing happening as well, as much as we both tried to pretend and convince ourselves that we didn’t. It was almost slow motion. Above time. or beyond it.

We poemed each other constantly. Artistically feeding off of one another, off of our passion and dedication to that art and to the art of living life in romance and the dream world that the artist inhabits. It was a daily event. Each of them becoming more and more intense, intimate, and personal. I counted that I had written a total of 15 songs either inspired by the connection, or from poems she had written, in less than a month, from the silly and sappy to the sublime. That was a completely unheralded experience for me. possibly the most intense creative surge I had experienced since the college days when all I did was sit around and get high and write songs and play local shows at night.

But back then I was just a kid, dabbling, learning, honing my skills; still experimenting, a lot of one-offs and throw-aways. These days when I write a song, more than most end up being recordable or releasable, ready to go right onto an album. I’ve learned to distinguish now at least for the time being between the great and the mundane dabble and never give much attention to those toss-offs. The creativity was like bam bam bam. I could pick up the guitar, take a comment she made on the phone in passing or an email or a poem and just run with it and turn it into a finished song by day’s or night’s end. it was intoxicating and I was riding high from it. as a songwriter I was amazed how on fire I was from our connection.

What’s more, she had given me a gift that I never thought even possible. Poetry. Had inspired and encouraged me to study poetry, interpret it, enjoy it, lavish in it, attempt it myself, and find my own poetic voice. Again, I found myself on fire from the experience. Climbing the ladder of learning quickly and enjoying experimenting with finding my voice.

By Saturday we peak in this strange thing that had been steadily escalating for weeks, brought on by madness, dreaminess, and the mixed messages of the oracle. We connect, bond, become one in spirit through this collaboration. We were as one mind. This was a very intellectual thing. we referred to it as a sort of a very fast paced tennis match of the wits that we played together. She would fire off a poem to me in the morning – “listen to this.” and I would shoot one back by afternoon and then she would send a reply poem that night. During this whole time I was also shooting out songs about various aspects of our connection like a factory worker with a gun to his head. Pumping them out as quickly as I had time to. sometimes one per day. every day. Great fucking magnificent songs. Awesome. For me there is no priority more important nor intoxicating than birthing new songs into the world. And this experience was inspiring me to do so more than any other in recent memory.

It went on and on like this for weeks, months. Bam bam bam! Back and forth. We were occupying the same space in another world through this worm hole we had slipped through. But all platonic, very much unspoken, fascinating, inspiring, not physical. And then we are off for the day each going our separate ways. An incredible concert on Saturday as noted earlier. And then to bed by about 1 or 2am.

At some point early in my sleep, I am aware that I am in this uncomfortable sort of half-sleep half-awake state tossing and turning in an uncompromising agony. For four hours I tossed and turned in this agonizing emotional and mental pain unable to fall fully asleep. The feeling was excruciating. I was keenly aware of this understanding that at that moment in time the dove’s heart had left me/us and was with another. I had no idea how close I had become to the dove in spirit. It was as if I could feel her. I mean, as if I was feeling seeing hearing what she was, and I myself was having an emotional reaction to it.

For the next twelve hours I was aware of every breath, every word spoken, every kiss, hug, and touch that she was sharing with this other being that I could feel had suddenly entered our picture. I could feel her breathing for god’s sake. Incredible. There was no question of what I was feeling. I did not question it. I just knew it. and I knew that she knew that I knew it.

By 5am I decided to end the drama, give up on sleeping, and just get up and sit there and breathe and meditate on what was happening. I went into a deep meditation with my own personal God-concept and higher self about the matter. There was no bitterness. Suffering yes. But no resentment. More than anything I was curious. The dove and I had been very clear with one another that we intended to keep our relationship platonic, in the spiritual realm only. But I was not prepared for this intense feeling of dread, loss, or dispossession from her exploration with another in the physical realm. I was firmly aware that she and I both had the right to do whatever we wanted to with whomever we wanted. But it did not make the feelings any less intense or crushing. I was still dating other girls, and assumed she did the same, but the dove occupied almost all of my attention. So this experience came at me like a two by four to the back of the head.

I just sat there alone and quiet and meditated as the sun rose and darkness became light outside my window. Didn’t speak much. Just listened. The messages were profound and simple. The method was simple. I was to hear a message, repeat it aloud, and then ponder it, and if I had to, repeat it several times so I could get the learning and the action if any. I did this until about 10am. Many many messages. Mainly about building discipline and exercising my will in order to be more willful. Was it not a lack of will that got me into this strange predicament? Just letting it all go and being in the moment as always… I was instructed to take the whole thing and feel it, let it go, let it out, and label it. Learn the lessons. Not hold onto any of it. Breathe through it. And continue to listen to and then repeat aloud and then take in the lessons learned from the experience. I was amazed by the whole thing.

I then went to church and had a fantastic experience as I already wrote about, accented by this earlier experience for the last four or so hours. The dove did not contact me. I knew that if she did not contact me on Sunday that the visions of my experience were accurate. For I had turned into the first and last call of the day by that point. So I knew. And I knew that she knew that I knew. and I knew that she was concerned about it, but I didn’t want her to be. what I didn’t know was if she felt that it was o.k. It was important to me to get across to her that it was o.k. I knew that she felt me feel the whole thing, and I knew that she felt concerned about that and felt my pain from it, (just as I go in and out of feeling Princess Little Tree’s pain over my experiences with girls and she feels my pain of her past experiences with men…) but I didn’t know if the dove knew that I was feeling that it was o.k. Pain yes. But a bad thing not.

I didn’t want her to feel bad about it. our lines were drawn. They were clear. we were clear about where we were. It wasn’t like we were fooling around or anything. that’s what was so surprising about the whole thing. I’m not even into kissing girls that I date unless they are the one. And to be sure she was clear with me too. what we were experiencing with one another was something else, way out there. For me, I’ll date as much as I can because its fun. I love girls. I love beauty. but for me, now, the line is drawn there. I’ll date a girl or a series of them on and off for six months and still not even kiss them if I don’t feel like she’s the one or if I’m the one for her. too much trouble. That’s just my own personal commitment. Building honor. Keeping the future sacred. Or better put, projecting oneself into the future so it is the present, honoring that, keeping it sacred, and realizing that there are times when it is important to remember that we are now living in the past of a future-present and it is important now to keep sacred the past of that future- present just as it is to keep sacred the present moment. So we did not have attention on that aspect of relationship. But unwittingly we somehow had created this whole other thing out there in the ethers… I just had no idea how close we had become in spirit. Feeling someone fool around with someone else is a weird thing.

Today we spoke about it. A very open gracious dialogue. I told her point blank what I had experienced and she confirmed the accuracy of the whole thing, and neither of us could believe how accurate it was right down to the very times that everything had occurred. I didn’t even have to ask ‘were you with some other guy?’ I just said something like ‘you were with some other guy.’ and we both just nodded in silence over the phone, in the knowing. Even the times were accurate of everything. Crazy. It was some kind of psychic connection that we had opened and there was no way we were going to be comfortable as long as we kept this worm-holed door open up there/out there in our spirits’ consciousness. She didn’t want to agree because we get so much from our collaboration, but we agreed that we didn’t want either of us to be in pain. and besides, there was no way we were going to create the space, or time even, to be with other people that we really wanted to be with, to create our dream lovers, if we were carrying on in this other way. I told her we needed to close the door for now. Not only that, we then needed to weather-strip the damn door and then caulk and seal all the edges of it and forget about it. The worm-hole, the black hole, needs to close. And so it was. we closed the door. She flew down. I flew down. Back on solid ground.

Uncanny and unbelievable. That’s all I can say. To be so close to someone in spirit that you can feel them fooling around with someone else. Its as if you can feel them breathe. You can feel when they are in pain or in joy. Something I had experienced before, once before from this side and once before from the other side. But in this very mundane and materialistic world that we live in it is easy to forget that these psychic connections can develop between people. that it is indeed a very real thing. it transcends the physical entirely. it is not mental. But something akin to an emotional reaction to something you feel in the spiritual plane. Fascinating.

I feel cleaned from the whole thing. I don’t know, like some sort of cleansing or rebirthing. Learning discipline. Exercising and building the will. becoming more real. Letting the dove fly free out of this unconditional love, similar to the way that Princess Little Tree let me go because she loved me. It is all very beautiful. I am in awe of my life right now.


Today these pictures arrive in the mail from my first real girlfriend from freshman year of high school, The Vixen – yes that The Vixen, the one from the song – and I am overcome by this rush of intense emotion while looking at the pictures. She was the one back in high school. The first of many o.k., but she was the one who got away, literally. Moving to Ohio right when we were in the thick of it. first real making out sessions and all. I could have watched her carry her books through the hallways forever. what a sexy little kitten she was. my first real girlfriend. The Vixen is after all now older and it is a shocking experience. On the outside of the envelope she had written “take a deep breath before you open Mr. Ambassador – you are about to become XX years older.” I just had no idea that we were getting older. But seeing the pictures of her allowed me a window to my own image that I had never allowed myself when looking at myself in the mirror. Wow. heavy. Very heavy for me. fucking just totally heavy.

I’m looking at the pictures and I’m thinking, she is so beautiful still, but my God we really do get older don’t we? Because my last image of The Vixen is this little fifteen year old that I used to spend hours making out with after school. And now she’s older and it was like Bam! Right in my face. Am I older now and just don’t see it? I’m talking to polar bear at HQ for a few minutes about it. ‘we really are getting old aren’t we. This is how its going to happen. before we know it we’re thirty, then we’re forty, then we’re fifty, then sixty and before you know it we’re fucking old. My God. this is really fucking happening. we are aging and there is nothing we can do about it.

I decided to walk the city. I walk the parks. I walk and I walk and I walk. I am walking around raw, naked, burned, fazed out, numb from too much feeling from the last three days, a glaze in my eye… I feel like John Cusack in one of his weird gen-x movies from the nineties… the lone gen-x’er walking the city streets in the middle of the movie when the sad song is playing… confused raw vulnerable burning shocked amazed. Where are we? Who are we? Are we really growing older? My thoughts racing. My God. we are growing older. It is slow but it is undeniable and unmistakable and inevitable. The horror revealed right before my eyes with a picture of an old flame standing there looking so pretty but older with her husband and three children. Was she the one? did I fuck that up? Was I supposed to chase her all the way to Ohio at my tender age of fifteen and tell her I wanted to marry her? God I would have had to take a bus. I didn’t even drive yet! The audience laughs. And me still roaming around the earth like a nomad living day to day for the exotic adventure and various intoxicants of a life well lived and ravaged and fully taken advantage of. O.k. well that part has been great, lets face it, we’ve lost nothing by holding out on marriage, that’s for sure. But seeing her picture there made me think….

And the dove? Wow. what kind of a trip was that? What the hell was that? where did it come from? who was she? Why did it get so intense? Have we sealed the trap door? What the hell was that about?

My thoughts return to Little Tree. Dance for me sing for me smile for me one more time. I picture her in my mind dancing in a puddle of water and giggling like a little girl…. it is Easter. My heart is singing from her image….

But I come back to reality quickly. I am stinging. Stung. Undone. I am shaken. Quaked. Baked. Taken. Laid to waste. Exhausted from feeling. And what about that girl in church with that long perfect body and grace and elegance and that silky-shiny long dark brown hair who was sitting just a few feet in front of me. How do I talk to her? Is it money is it fame? Is it will? is it discipline? Is it confidence? What do I need to do to win her heart? How do you even approach a girl like that? How much richer more famous popular happier successful do you have to be? Who am I now? Will I ever get the girl? How does the movie end?

I kept reminding myself, “This is life. I am living life. This is what living life is… this is the middle of the movie. You are playing the lead role, man that’s cool. You are the character who started off on top of the world kicking his heels and dancing in the streets and singing at the top of his lungs in the opening credits, who has now in the last hour or so been delivered a series of shockers and surprises. You are now walking the city streets in the bright sunlight of a beautiful New York City day in shock, experiencing the life that we all experience here. Being human. The envy of the angels. The sad song is about to end and you will go back to your day to day. Breathe. The movie is not over yet. we still have at least another hour to go. this will be a happy ending movie. You’re a gen-x’er after all. This is a gen-x movie. This is going to be a happy ending fucking movie Fishy. You’ll see.”


Dance between the feminine and the masculine

The feminine says la la la la la la. C’mon lets play. The masculine says o.k. but kiss me. the fem says no way. that’s gross. I don’t feel that way about you. the masc says I know I know. I don’t feel that way about you either. but kiss me anyway. The masc doesn’t know what to do with what they are experiencing… he tries to fit it into the boxes he knows best. its just that dance between the fem and the masc. and its beautiful and lovely and exhilarating. If not a little frustrating… that’s all. but I will tell you this my love. You are not alone in it.

G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women

G2 sends me this link to a page of pictures of Iranian women. We are saying that we think maybe Iranian women are the prettiest in the world…

I’m looking at that these photos and I’m thinking… about the fact that in Muslim tradition its o.k. if a man marries up to four women as long as he can satisfy them all… I wonder if I could live in a Muslim country. just move from here and go do that…. and I wonder if I could find four amazing women that I loved equally who could all be satisfied with being one of four wives to me… they would all have to be friends I guess. They would all have to have really great lives apart from the relationship so they were satisfied whenever my interest was aimed towards only one of them completely so they wouldn’t get upset. How the hell do you pull something off like that? would one of them appeal to you more than the rest? Would I bond with one of them the most? Or would it trade back and forth from time to time. perhaps we could all be best friends and even have big group sex together. that would be awesome. and imagine the possibilities with children… I could have so many kids, it would be amazing. I could easily have eight to ten children. Man, I have to move to Iran or Egypt or somewhere like that. then there would be no problem with having Princess Little Tree as a wife. No worry about having children or anything. And she could bring her kids. Cause they’re awesome. And Juliet of course, because of her soul and brain. She could even bring her boyfriend if she wanted to. I don’t think I’d mind. After all if I had four wives, she could have her boyfriend still. and then I could still have two more wives. Which would cover being able to have a super-hot Italian wife and a super smart well-mannered English wife as well. Imagine going to the opera with all four every season! With me right in the middle. And that my friends would be just about the dream life of all dream lives.


Our first real day of autumn in New York.

Our first real day of autumn in New York. An actual breeze. A breath of clean fresh air. Smiles on everyone’s faces. Took a few friends to church this morning. Powerful sermon as always. The guy’s on fire. Eloquent and yet emotive and significant at the same time. Powerful music. free music free food free drink free powerful sermons and awesome people to chill with. What more can a person want for a Sunday morning? More and more each day, each week… feeling more liberated from the judging mind, from the confines of thought. And in that there is freedom and bliss. God smiles and you smile back.

If life was large enough I would lovingly embrace every darn one of them for they are all so beautiful. I swear to God I think I am really onto something with this whole fruitplate theory of dating. [should it be a fruitplate or a fruit basket? I guess that depends on how big the plate is.] You know, the whole ‘I found freedom when you said no’ thing. I’m walking down the street carrying this big bouquet of roses that I had just bought and I’m passing all these girls on the street. And there’s nothing New York girls like more than a guy in sandals carrying a bouquet of roses. And there is no place in America better for beautiful girls than New York City. [people may mention California or Miami but they just haven’t been to New York.] Because all the girls here are just so stylish and cool and smart and witty and have it put together… the only other place in the world where you see this kind of beauty stacked up on top of itself is in Rome.] Anyway, so the theory is I’m thinking I just keep dating all these girls for social events, right, but if you’re smart, you never sleep with any of them – because that cuts it to the chase pretty much and you don’t want that , so you never fool around with them. You save that for other girls. But with the really great girls you just hang out with them. the best of both worlds man. that’s it right there.

I’m sitting out on the stairs and it is a gorgeous day! I mean perfect. the most perfect day of the year so far. there is this couple across the street walking and arguing in Spanish. (well I’m pretty sure they are walking in English, but they are arguing in Spanish.) every few seconds they stop in the middle of the sidewalk and yell at each other, raising their hands and arms with such passion and emotion. Don’t you love arguing? If its done from and with love, arguing is a potent aphrodisiac. Passion man. pure passion.

Last screening: Russia, the land of the tsars. Fascinating.

Current read: chronicles, volume one. Dylan’s autobiography.


Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are

Speaking with Providence about how great our lives are… in comparison to so many others’. and yet the human mind always longs for more. still often times longs for more, over-analyzes and criticizes. Even when in the bigger picture, things are so damn good already.

Recognizing how far out I was willing to travel for forcing IT, rather than letting IT, we can know IT by the degree of how much of our ‘real selves’ are we being…. when we are in flow and truly being ourselves, it is close or closer to “IT.” When we are not feeling ourselves, then we can safely assume that it is not “IT.”

Feel a certain sense of fright, as a lot of people do, about the current stream of events in America in relation to the rest of the world. I feel underneath it all a fear that we are about to be attacked again… cannot put my finger on it, but there is something there, that any day we are going to be attacked here at home.

I am seriously in shock and deeply saddened by the fact the people who are in control in our government are so unenlightened that they chose the path they chose over the last two years. they have deliberately created more violence, more danger, more anger, more desperation and resentment in the hearts of those who are currently playing the role of “our enemy” rather than doing the right thing and really getting down to why we were attacked in the first place.

Of course this gives them the benefit of the doubt… that they did not in fact set the whole thing up as a ‘new pearl harbor’ as a way to instigate a reason/justification to attack Iraq etc… at this point is difficult to ascertain what really happened. But if we are to assume that we were really attacked by terrorist forces who ‘hate us’ as the government has lead the world to believe, that in fact it was not an inside job as the evidence is leading many to believe now, then the right thing would be for us to look inward and really try to determine why someone would feel a need to attack us and then do our best to make amends with these people, with the world at large, and attempt to show through our own example what a good true honest just moral fair minded society of enlightened individuals could be like…. we could really help bring peace to the world.

isn’t it fascinating that the war-mongers among us always use peace as an excuse to wage war? and isn’t it fascinating that they claim to wage war to get peace? And isn’t even more fascinating how the majority of the masses of sheep-le out there, in any society, actually fall for these atrocious and barbaric fallacies so easily? They never seem to notice or acknowledge that violence is in fact violence, and peace is in fact peace. And that they are two totally different worlds. we will never bring peace to the world through murder destruction or violence. And yet it is difficult to convince those who are less perceptive than we are of this simple understanding. The truth is that this attack by the US government on the country of Iraq could very well blow up in our faces and turn into something much more devastating to all of us than we could ever imagine. It could lead us to a world war, a never ending domino effect of retaliation, a back and forth of killing and being killed. Why do they not see it, and if they do, why do they not care?

We are being led astray by a very small group of treacherous murderers who are jeopardizing all of our welfare. I am truly fascinated by the red-state mentality that does not seem to recognize this.

Breakfast with Tuesday. At a little French café uptown. A soft boiled egg. Paris ham and gruyere tartine with dark mustard. A larger than life cappuccino. Praline nut butter. She asks me as only she can, to identify what exactly I saw or was attracted to in women, and what I do not like. Where is the attraction and where is the discomfort? Could it be that simple? Important to acknowledge these things so we do not repeat the same experiences more than once, and also so we can truly create what we want in our life. we then apply the same principles to her life. and we get great learning and growing from this.

I love the ‘brilliant’ aspect in women. I label it important, in fact very necessary. I love the dreamer aspect, but I do not like the air-head aspect. I love the visionary quality. I love the motivated/ambitious/in her own world, doing her own thing independently quality in girls. Important. I more than prefer but actually need, congruity and honesty in speech and action. Not willing to settle for less than that. I love the intellectual battle of wits. But we recognize that there is a subtle difference between combative/righteous debate that weakens the spirit and a loving challenging debate between two brilliant minds that strengthens the spirit. There is a difference. And I prefer the latter. We agree that we both prefer the latter.

But if we never take the time to check it out and to really analyze what it is that attracts us to people, then we will never see what it is that we are attracting and why. we will be settling for many things that we do not prefer and not know why, just because we are receiving a few other things that we do like. This was huge for me. and for her as well. when you begin to acknowledge this, you can see that there is no blame. That in the larger picture it is an umbilical-corded subliminal game we are playing with other beings… and in the end, there can be no blame. We are choosing the game out of these attractions and repulsions/resistances with others and it is just as much “us” as it is “them.” no blame. Only appreciation.

From this viewpoint one can see the world of romance and love from a birds-eye view, shift easily in and out of affairs or the heart until a true fit occurs that builds, strengthens, inspires, and rejuvenates and grows us.

Last screening: Howard Zinn biography. Awesome man. truly inspirational.