The Biology of the Changing Seasons

The sun is out white hot and bright today; the sky near perfectly flawlessly clear and brilliant blue. It’s a sharp contrast to the freezing temperatures, gray overcast skies and constant onslaught of snow we’ve been experiencing for almost a week in the Northeast. But one would do well not to be fooled by this recent change in the weather, for though the skies are clear and blue and the sun is shining bright, the temperature today is a biting 21° and according to weather forecasters will not rise above 25. It’s the kind of cold that hurts your skin if you’re exposed to it for any longer than a few minutes. At first it’s pin pricks. Then a numbing swelling-like pain. And if there is ever a pickup in the wind, forget about it — t’s a physically brutal and near unbearable condition to spend any considerable amount of time in.

But unlike most, who seem to get as much of a kick out of complaining about cold weather as they do sunbathing on a sunny day in June, I have loved every minute of this Winter’s snow and freezing temperatures. For me there is something very appealing about this cold weather, considering that it’s perfectly normal for winter — I don’t see how we have a right to complain about it, let alone dislike it — as if we were somehow entitled to warmer temperatures just because we are used to getting everything we want. I find the cold and snow quite enjoyable, desirable even; comforting in a paradoxically warm and cozy way.

Clearly this attitude does not apply to everyone; some people blatantly profess out loud to dislike the cold and snowy weather of winter. (It makes one wonder why then do they choose to live in a seasonally volatile locale like New York City if they’re going to complain about it every year…) Plenty of people for generations have moved from the Midwest and the Northeast down south to warmer climates specifically for this reason. My family in fact were diehard self professed “yankees” from New York and Pennsylvania and yet because, as all people do once retired, my grandparents moved to South Florida, I was obligated to grow up there.

From the day I was born I can always remember disliking Florida; feeling like a fish out of water, an outlier. There was nothing about it except the beach that I liked or felt connected to in the least. Some people feel right at home where they grow up. It is after all for all intents and purposes “home”. But I never felt at home growing up. Rather I felt like an alien who was forced to make a pit stop in a strange and foreign and hostile land. Like an outsider. As if I were the only one, all alone in seeing how terribly wrong and ass backwards it was there. From the climate to the people it just didn’t feel right down there. I didn’t fit and everyone knew it. There are few things as upsetting to the psyche of a young mind than never feeling like you fit in somewhere when everyone around you is acting as if everything is perfectly fine.

In elementary school during what we were told was “winter” we were instructed to draw snowflakes or snowmen, as all kids are in the States. But we’d never even seen snow let alone built a snowman. During the Fall we were always asked to draw all these different colored leaves of orange and yellow and red to decorate the room — yet we’d never experienced the changing colors of Autumn. Our teachers attempted to explain to us what autumn was…or why they called it “Fall”. But the explanations fell on deaf ears. All around us were green trees 365 days out of the year. There is no Autumn in Florida. Just as there is no winter and no spring. So these were ideas that only became real to us through the movies or TV. Talk about feeling like you’re missing out…. Gloves mittens scarves winter coats galoshes hats long-johns snowmen snowball fights skiing hot cocoa warm cozy fireplaces…these were all things that seemed entirely foreign to us as children growing up in a temperate climate that never had seasons. It felt as if a very large part of growing up, of being a human on planet earth, was being withheld from us, a large piece of the collective pie of civilization was totally off limits to our experience. These were things we couldn’t even relate to, let alone know anything about. It set up a real “us and them” paradigm in our young minds to be sure. We never had White Christmases. In fact we didn’t even understand most Of the lyrics of those classic Christmas songs. Sleigh bells in the snow? What? The idea that people would deliberately ever desire to move down to Florida or the South for that matter seemed a ridiculous notion. Why on earth would anyone want to do that and give up all that fun stuff associated with the seasons that we saw on TV and in the movies?

The first time I ever felt “at home” in the world was my first visit to New York. It was a palpable change in feeling, change of state inside of me. A brand new sense of calm, ease and letting go. A great big physical and psychological sigh of relief. The first time I ever felt relaxed and not on guard in my entire life. As soon as I got into my first taxi I just immediately felt different, transformed, happy, grounded — as if some invisible force was whispering into my ear “you are home…” I experienced the same thing in Vermont, Chicago, Wisconsin (and of course later in Italy, but that’s another story…). Anywhere that had seasons really. I began to understand that home had very little to do with where we are born or raised or where our family resides, but instead it goes much deeper than that. It’s more of a feel thing, up to each individual and how the environment affects their mind and body.

I don’t pretend to believe that this sudden transformation was due entirely to the weather. I am sure that culture and people also contribute to it as well. But for now, here, I am specifically focusing on the weather, especially as it relates to the changing of the seasons.

For me, someone who was raised primarily in the south, I find the cold weather of winter extremely comforting and grounding. It’s as if the cold winter weather is somehow attached to our very souls from some primordial source the dates back hundreds of thousands of years. A biological connection to the changing seasons perhaps through thousands of lifetimes of different incarnations on earth; or perhaps an even deeper more primitive genetic predisposition to the seasons based on the fact that nearly every atom in our body is comprised of the same stuff as planet earth is. We share the same molecular heritage and thus anything the earth is accustomed to so too are we.

I have concluded over many years living in the north now as compared to living in the south that there has to be some sort of biological reason for this almost supernatural attachment human beings have to the changing of the seasons. It is as if by our very nature, being biological organisms, that we are as attached and attracted to the cold of winter and the blossoming of spring and the luxurious warmth and heat of the summer as the earth is.

Now of course this might not be the case at all; it might be more of a purely subjective preferential cause-and-effect matter. Some people like cold-weather, and some people don’t. But I cannot speak for others. I can only speak for myself. And for me I have always found the cold weather and snow of winter as appealing as I do the warm weather and hot son of a day at the beach during summertime. Truth be told I cannot readily relate to those who desire to live in climates that do not regularly change seasons. Such was the case in Florida where if it dips below 70 people go crazy and throw on three or four layers of winter clothing because they’re so unaccustomed to cold weather. Not only are they not accustomed to it, they are overtly against it and claim to dislike it. This attitude against what can only be considered one of the most natural aspects of earthly living possible has always struck me as being very odd. But again it is after all a seemingly subjective thing.

Why is it that some of us prefer our winters to be cold and our Summers to be hot? Why do some of us prefer the changing of the seasons so much more than others? Some people don’t seem to have a preference at all whether the season changes in their environment, not even a little bit. This mentality I do not understand. I believe there is a divine purpose to the elegant and subtle changing of earth’s seasons. Something that not only greatly benefits the earth and all of its various species and inhabitants but also a profound yet subtle benefit to the heart and soul of humankind.

Seasons are landmarks, rights of passage, outposts in the desert of existence that help map our journey through life, each as important as the other. Just as one ends, always perfectly at the right time, and another begins, so too does our state of mind. There is something very unnatural about living in an environment that never changes seasons. The human heart and body are deprived of something powerful, perhaps even essential, which is why you’ll never hear me complain about the cold and snow, nor the heat and sun. They all have their rightful place. Just as we do. Many people are aware of Florida’s reputation for extreme corruption. Law enforcement calls it the “fraud capital of the United States”. Perhaps the unnatural never changing constantly hot weather plays a role in this strange anomaly that gives Florida it’s duplicitous reputation… I don’t know. But I do know that it doesn’t FEEL right. One only need spend one year in a locale that has four distinct seasons and they will feel forever changed for the better, recharged and refreshed equally from each though in a different way.

Right now we are enjoying Winter, in all of its glory, from temperatures below 0 to piles and piles of snow decorating the city in a luxurious soft white, to the slower pace brought about by the limitations of such frigid temperatures. And yet at the same time there also seems to be a cheery spark in everyone’s eyes as well. I couldn’t imagine spending January February or March in 80 degree weather as they do in California or Florida. It just wouldn’t be natural. In time Spring will arrive. The big coats and floppy hats will come off. Sun dresses and flip flops will start popping up everywhere and eventually be as ubiquitous as the bursting colors of fresh cherry blossoms and other floral delights. How else would we know this spring if not for this Winter? We wouldn’t. And that’s the point of it all.

– Posted by The Ambassador using BlogPress on an iPhone 8s Custom

– Posted by The Ambassador using BlogPress on an iPhone

Does Matter Come From Mind? Or Mind Come From Matter?

A note: The post below is based on a variety of information sources and data taken from throughout human history and studied and researched over the last 25 years. The reader is assumed to have already encountered and studied the majority of this information. If one encounters something that they’re not familiar with, a suggestion might be to take a note of it and continue reading.
 Two things. We’re already familiar with evolutionary theory and with creationism. The new form of creationism that’s received a lot of fanfare over the last 10 years is something they now call intelligent design. Creationism and intelligent design usually refer to both humanity and the world in general being created by some sort of a divine being capital D such as a god or goddess.
 Of course there is also another theory of creationism and that is what it has now come to be known as the ancient alien theory of creationism which posits that rather than a singular God that created the entire universe, a collection of extraterrestrial beings from another world other than Earth actually created humankind. In the most popular theory about ancient alien creationism is that the human race was created as a slave race by extraterrestrial beings (simply meaning “not of this earth”) who came from Sirius B star system. We could call them “Siriuns”.
 This theory is an old one. I first heard it proposed back in 1995 when we are still but children and have continued to study it over the last 20 years. There is a ton of evidence, if one is looking for it, and depending on one’s perspective, that portends to prove this ancient alien theory may be accurate. And there are a variety of different theories out there proposing that humankind was created by extraterrestrials or aliens, each with their own idea of from which star system these extraterrestrials originally came. Where they were from or where they currently live now is important, and indeed is fascinating to research and contemplate. But it’s not the main theme of this post.
 Number one: Here’s an important point. Even if we were to assume that this is true – that the human race is nothing but a slave race created by more advanced extraterrestrial beings and we have now evolved beyond a slave mentality and beyond even remembering our origin – this still does not exclude the idea of an even more divine being creating the entire universe. This would’ve just happened before that time period. Someone or something still would have had to create not only the universe but the extraterrestrials who created human beings. So regardless of which theory one chooses to believe in — a God created human beings or extraterrestrials created human beings, it still does not solve the ultimate question, i.e. How did the universe itself get here and who or what might have created it?
 We now assume, the majority of us at least, that the entirety of the known (and unknown?) universe is approximately 15 billion years old. Of course this exact figure is also arguable; everything is. But that’s not the question at hand either.
 Number two: The real question ultimately is this: can mind ever come from matter? As evolutionary theorists propose? Or can matter only come from mind?
 It is easy to be an evolutionist. The majority of intelligent people on earth now tend to believe in it. Theoretically it makes sense. And there appears to be an ever growing body of physical evidence to support it. On earth that is. Especially on earth. Fossil records etc. This is something most evolutionists seem to totally miss: almost all evidence regarding evolution theory is based on earth based life forms and materials — an infinitesimally small piece of the total universe. They totally miss the rest of the much larger picture — the hundreds of billions of other galaxies and star systems in the world we live in.
 Granted, in the greater known universe, in the world of astro-physicists, a simple reading of the history of radio waves that permeate the seeming “empty space” of the universe reveals that it has been expanding — a fact that can be viewed as “evolutionary” to a certain degree. Scientists take this rate of expansion and reverse it and this is how they come to decide how long the universe has been existence. It’s just the rate of expansion times the distance covered in reverse. Eventually they reach a point where everything in the entire universe is all crammed together no bigger than the size of an atom. Before that…?
 Well that’s where we get the idea of the so called Big Bang. The idea that matter itself just mysteriously and miraculously bursted into being from nothing. This is where evolutionary theory hits it’s arch nemesis, namely logic. Because we all know that nothing can come from nothing. Matter cannot come from nothing or nowhere. It can only come from something. This is how and from where Thomas Aquinas got his “a priori” / “first cause” argument. So at least according to some, it’s an impossibility to consider that all of this something came into being from nothing.
 Others persist in asserting that they believe that matter can indeed miraculously come forth from absolutely nothing at all. The operating word here being “believe”. Because at this point (in human history at least) we don’t have any evidence to support either theory. The truth is we human beings simply do not know what happened before the universe began expanding. We don’t know how IT — that tiny microscopic ball of matter that expanded exponentially into everything in the known and unknown universe including ourselves — got here, or how IT came into being, or what it was before it was. We just have theories.
 But beyond this argument of matter coming into being from nothing is another deeper question. The one posed before: can mind or consciousness come from matter? We have been speaking of matter. Not life. Remember, scientists postulate that it was the universe itself that first came into being 15 billion years ago. Not life. The star at the center of our solar system, what we call “the sun” (curious that we have a name for all these different stars in the universe when in reality they don’t really have names…), has only been in existence for 4.6 billion years. The earth for only 4.5 billion. The earliest life forms that we know of, simple single-celled microbes, for approximately 3.5 billion years. And human beings? Approximately only 200,000 years.
 Why is this important? Because human beings, out of either ego or limited knowledge and ignorance, are the only life forms that we humans currently know of so far in our research that have “mind” or consciousness, i.e. an awareness of being. And we don’t know of any other instances where mind has come from pure unconscious matter. From a purely logical point of view it seems unlikely, mind coming from matter.
 Indeed it was this quote, by philosopher Harry Palmer, that first inspired me to read all his works and then take all the Avatar Courses: “The miracle is not that there is consciousness in the universe, but that there is a universe in consciousness”. For whatever reason this made sense to my young mind at the time. I had always thought of us as being inside the universe. As parts and pieces of it. Operating inside of it. It was only then that I began to contemplate the idea that even the universe itself must be inside of consciousness, because after all the universe is just more matter and anything material at its origin must come from some form of consciousness. Matter does not just originate out of nothingness.
 Sure it breeds from itself. Evolutionarily speaking, matter begets more matter, as we’ve seen from studying the evolution of life on earth and even non living matter in the near and far away universe. But initially this matter must have come into being from some form of consciousness. A mind or consciousness could not have emanated originally from lifeless matter. Or could it?
 That really is the question. And the truth is we do not as of yet have the answer.

Eggs: What the hell are they?

Was thinking tonight about eggs. We eat eggs. But what the hell are they? I couldn’t sleep from thinking about it. so I had to get up in bed and make a note. it is such a gross thought when you really just start thinking about it. an egg… isn’t that the fetus of an animal? So where the hell is the animal? I think its like the unfertilized egg of an animal, something like that. totally gross when you think about it. The worse part is that I love eggs. But who the hell thought of this crazy idea? and why don’t we eat the eggs of other animals as well? other birds like turkeys or other birds? Man that would be weird. Why just the chicken? Face it, the idea of us eating the eggs of other animals is just plain fucking weird.


Went to the dinosaur museum today for a few hours. There is something there we are not getting yet. the earth without man? Or man’s consciousness? The entire world and whole universe without intelligent consciousness? Frankly I don’t believe it. call me anthropomorphic, or whatever that word is that defines when people project humanity onto everything, but I do not believe that there was a time when WE, human consciousness, were never on the earth, or in the universe. Period. I just don’t believe it.

I will never forget the moment when I first discovered it. I was in deep meditation, or tripping on acid, can’t remember, about fifteen years ago. Sitting on the floor of my bedroom as a teenager. Scattered about my room were many books. Mostly on science and religions at the time. in my meditative state I had opened my eyes for a moment and happened upon a picture in one of the books of some dinosaurs. I went back into meditation and had this realization that there was no way that the world was spinning on without our consciousness, as we are told about times during the dinosaur periods. There was only one logical explanation for the quandary: that we were actually dinosaurs, in dinosaur form, before we were in human form. Our consciousness was at least. I just sat in this understanding for a while and tried to imagine what life was like back then for us.

Since we invented the concept of God, then the theory that we weren’t around for hundreds of millions of years and yet other living beings were, like the dinosaurs, is like admitting that God wasn’t around, and therefore didn’t create the universe at all. unless we are to believe that the dinosaurs were intelligent life. which most people don’t. But I would argue with them on that point. I’ve said before and I will say it again and one day it will probably come to pass that a very smart scientist living God knows where will get the credit for “discovering” or “inventing” the theory that we, human consciousness, were actually dinosaurs for hundreds of millions of years before we became extinct and then re-evolved as humans in our current form.

After all, try to imagine a universe without our ‘consciousness’ existing in it, without ‘intelligent life’ in it. impossible yes? exactly. precisely. Indubitably. The truth is that we at one point came to exist on earth, were birthed in the great universe at that point in time, as dinosaurs, because that is the form we needed to take at that time because of the environment of the earth. We could not have existed as humans at that time. So are we to believe that intelligent life did not exist at all in the entire universe? Hardly. We just didn’t exist in our human form that we now exist as. But we certainly did exist. Intelligent life must have certainly existed, since time began I would assert, and since we are the only intelligent life we know of on the earth and throughout the history of the universe, at least we tell ourselves that we are at this point, then why not assume that we took the most practical physical form necessary for our survival at that time? I am surprised that no psychics have ever gone into trance to vibe into the whole dinosaur consciousness to get a better feel for what we thought and felt during those times. and I am even more surprised that no scientists have discovered or postulated this theory as of yet.
After all, where the hell was consciousness, as we know it, the collective consciousness of all that is, during the hundreds of millions of years that the dinosaurs roamed the earth and humans as they are now didn’t roam the earth? could it be that there was no collective consciousness during this time? certainly not. I believe, I feel that it could be quite possible, that we have always been a part of the universe. Since the universe first formed we have been a part of it, existed in it and existed as it, as a part of it. Not only in the universe, but of the universe. And more, I would easily feel at ease with admitting that I believe that we are part of the God force that we still relegate to being separate from us. being gods ourselves, or better, being each of us a part of the God-force, that creates and sustains life in the universe, I would say that it is an impossible theory to even promote for an instant that there was ever a time when the universe ever existed without consciousness in it, our consciousness, godly collective and creative consciousness. Therefore the only thing left to believe is that we first came to the earth as the earliest forms of life that there ever were, perhaps even single celled organisms, then we eventually evolved into aquatic animals, eventually made our way to land and became dinosaurs for as long a time as that form served us, and then became extinct only to re-evolve as upright walking hominids as we are today.

I guess the most important point of this would be to understand that human history does not begin four million years ago when we assume that we first appeared on the planet. We have been here much longer in other forms, as other species entirely. interestingly, perhaps consciousness itself has evolved along the same lines as our physical evolvement. Must be. so when we are searching for signs of modern man’s thinking we have it all wrong. because we weren’t modern man back then. we were modern dinosaurs. Consciousness existed, in as much as it was necessary to exist at that time, just not as human consciousness. But it was still consciousness. Are we then to believe that consciousness as we now define the word today did not exist on planet earth or in the universe until we arrived? As if God/Us created the world fifteen billion years ago, as is presently accepted, but then waited till just the last four million years to create “intelligent life (human beings)?” I would think not. Makes no sense does it? what was God doing? Just chilling by himself? No, again, I would think not. I would say that WE are that God- force and we have existed in whatever form was most suitable to the environment of the world since time began.

Put that way, it seems easy enough to understand, on a purely metaphysical level of course. I am not saying that the human body as it is today, the primate form, evolved directly from the dinosaurs in a strictly evolutionary way. This would be a ridiculous notion. To gather that would be to get it all wrong. I am saying that at some point dinosaurs became extinct, but intelligent consciousness did not. It just reappeared in the human form that we presently attribute to “mankind.” Before this form, our consciousness must have occupied some organic form here on earth and I would guess that it would have been the dinosaurs since that was the dominant species on the planet for so many millions of years. One would have to assume a belief in consciousness as something that exists separate from just our human form. One would have to assume a belief in consciousness as a creative force at work and play in the universe, a God-force I guess. Something that is always present and has always been present since time began.

More later. still postulating. Fascinating stuff though.

Ancient and mythical

Today we woke up early and went to the Oregon coast to see a few clearcuts. Acres of ancient forests cut down and completely devastated. The girl who has been my guide on this journey, Polly, started to cry when we saw it. I had more of an intellectual response and just started brainstorming about what could actually be done about this craziness. The pacific northwest has less than 5% of its ancient trees left now. they take hundreds of years to grow. So there is no chance of them growing back in our lifetime even if they were to stop all cutting from this point on. It would still take four hundred years to get the forests back. and all these logging companies don’t care. In January George bush came to Eugene for one night for a fundraiser. He was given a campaign check for one million dollars from the logging industry. A few months later they had carte blanche to cut down as many large trees as they wanted to in the name of ‘preventing forest fires.’ crazy.

[I will say this about George w. Bush though, and I’ve said it before, lots of people do. he may be one of the worst things going in the history of mankind, but he doesn’t try to hide it. and remarkably he is rather forthright about it. as awful as he was in the debates, and he was truly awful in a remarkable way, as only he can be, he was very honest in his answers about things. when asked about the environment he never claimed to really care too much about it. he admits, not quite readily but damn close to it, that he is more in favor and concerned for business and jobs and the economy than he is about the environment. You gotta hand it to the guy, and everyone who was working for him at that time [most of them have now quit since his re-election – we can only guess why. God knows what insanity we are in for if his whole dame cabinet is quitting before his new term even begins.] He could have easily balked on the issue of the environment, but he didn’t. he told it as he sees it. he thinks that environmentalists are extremists and that its just not that big of a deal. As much as I disagree with him and others like him, I like him for that.

He acted the same way when asked about America losing all of its jobs overseas. Unlike the democrats who tried to act like they were going to save the jobs and bring them all back home, Bush never once caved in. he looked right into the camera and told those people that their jobs were history and that he was going to try to help them get educated to get different jobs, that America needed to move on and keep up with globalization. Again, he never tried to pretend to people that he was going to try to help them keep their jobs from going overseas. The answers that were written for him in the debates were brilliant in how they managed to deliver a lot of the bad news of the republican agenda to the American people in a semi-digestible manner.

Same thing with his answers on same sex marriage. The justification for an idea as abominable as a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage on the grounds that it threatens family values or the ideal of marriage in any country in this day and age is ridiculous. And any thinking person can see that and knows it. You bring it up in any circle of semi-intelligent company anywhere in the world and it gets people laughing. This is a very clearly more a matter of evolution. Evolved citizens of the world versus minds just not as evolved yet. but again, what I loved about Bush and his administration’s answers during the debates and throughout his campaign was his willingness to put himself out there and tell it as he saw it. you have to be a complete loony to even come up with an idea as asinine as that one, but you have to have real courage and conviction as well. And I admire that.
As for the trees and forests of our country, we may be fucked on this one since W got re-elected. One of the things that I learned on this trip that was most shocking is that they are actually logging now in our national forests. The same national forests that teddy Roosevelt put away for us over a hundred years ago to protect them forever so we would always have big old five hundred year old trees in ancient forests. The government is now auctioning hundreds of acres a day to the highest bidders and the trees are getting chopped down and sold overseas, mostly to Asia. That is a fucking unbelievably heinous action. Is actually quite unbelievable but I saw it with my own eyes. I cannot even imagine what the actual loggers – the men who actually drive into the national forests, passing right by the big green signs that read “national forest’ must be thinking as they are taking chainsaws to the big five hundred year old trees. I just couldn’t imagine doing it myself. But again, this is a money thing. and when it comes to money I think most people would do just about anything, big old trees or not.

Anyway, say what you will about Bush, and God knows everyone does and will have ample opportunity to over the next four years, but the guy tells it like he sees it about a lot of things. the good news that many people point out is that the next four years will end up getting so fucking out of hand and freaky for most Americans, even the ones who did vote for him – I mean, lets face it, eight members of his highest cabinet quit within two weeks of his reelection; if that’s not a sign that something terrifying is in store for us that they know about but we just don’t yet, I don’t know what is — that was their way of saying ‘we don’t want to have anything to do with the next four years,’ so chances are we have no idea what’s in store for us – but either way, I think it’ll swing so far out of control that the country will have no choice if it has a chance of survival than to swing back the other way. that’s the balance of power that the country was founded on. So we’re just going to have to do our best to hang on and enjoy the ride and try to prevent and protect whatever we can.

And to all those eager emailers out there who love to send in all those lovely hate mails that I cherish so dearly, allow me to add that I am in no way implying that Clinton was any better or that we would be any better off during a democratic presidency. I wasn’t blogging publicly during those years, but if you have ever seen the underground documentary entitled the Clinton chronicles then you know how I feel about him. I’m just as scared of Hillary as I am of Bush. My green minded liberal friends are quick to point out how wonderful our thriving economy was during the Clinton years, but lets be real. That had a lot less to do with Bill and a lot more to do with Microsoft, yahoo, oracle, Intel, eBay, and the rest of the companies leading the technological revolution. We could have had anybody in the white house at the time. Bush was right and fair minded in his assertion that he inherited a country in the midst of a bursting economic bubble. And as far as lost jobs go, it was Clinton who switched gears right after he became president and started embracing and promoting America’s full involvement in globalization after promising workers that he was completely against it and would do his best to try to save their jobs.]

Same day or a different day, not sure.

I am in phoenix now. downtime. No work for a while. at least not a lot of it I hope. I will do my best to try to relax and reflect and celebrate the season of family and renewal during my brief stay here. how each year I look forward more and more to spending time with family; to no cell phone and no email and no talk of business.

I thought of Juliet. Cannot erase the feeling of her from inside of me. I dare I say I have not stopped dreaming of her, or with her, for months now. almost every night since I can remember this year she occupies some scene or two in my dreaming state while I am asleep. She is just there. her presence. Like a warrior or a guardian. Standing with me.

There is much that I will not write publicly nor privately. Out of respect. feelings are fleeting indeed and though I am loyal and committed to this project of keeping the diaries as real and as honest as can possibly be for as long as I can, I am also aware that not all thoughts and feelings need to be expressed publicly. After all, they are only feelings, and from what I can tell, can change overnight or vanish like the wind.

As I sat tonight watching a DVD of old jack Paar shows with mom, I thought about how clear I feel now. how easy. how soft and manageable, as funny as that may sound. Our meeting once again in our lives had this effect of clearing away a lot of old debris that I had collected over the years about girls. In Juliet there is much to be fancied. She is as true as anyone in the world would desire. When you think back to days gone by when men would refer to their ladies as being ‘fair,’ Juliet is the embodiment of that. something ancient and mythical about her spirit. In how true it is.

Her boyfriend is very lucky and I found myself feeling very happy for him and for Juliet as well. I saw her as she really is and discovered that she is a real person, with a real life, a real boyfriend, a real child, and a real job. Not just a fantasy or a character in my imagination. But a real person. so if for no other reason than that my trip was a healthy and beneficial one for both of us. even so, after my first night in her presence I whispered to God as I was falling asleep to reveal to me the message in the connection, the deeper meaning to all the synchronistic and coincidental events that transpired regarding her this year and in the years prior to this one. I heard a voice whisper back to me, ‘perhaps that is not the right question. Perhaps the right question is ‘have you ever thought of what you have meant to Juliet? What your message to her was/is?’ I must admit that I had not. I was too absorbed in my own life and in my own concerns. But I found real comfort in this idea. and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.

In the shower the next two days I found myself more and more reflecting on what I mean to others rather than only what they mean to me. the message I have for them rather than what they might hold for me. I must admit rather humbly that the idea was a novel one to me. as enlightened as I try to be, I am still relatively self obsessed and self centered I find. Like a good Buddhist disciple I do not judge this but simply giggle at it. life is funny after all and we are all clowns. Better to laugh at ourselves than to waste our time in judgment. But in the mornings I spend time now thinking of everyone in my life and try to visualize what message or meaning I might possibly be able to offer each of them. and that’s a good thing. it is a new way of looking at things for me. it is good way to humble one’s self and to feel more in service to others.

Tonight Cleopatra came up in conversation and I felt almost nothing at all. very neutral. Which is very refreshing. I realized that through getting to know Juliet more that a new archetype was formed in my heart and in my mind about what a woman could be; more, what a person could be. it is almost as if just by rediscovering her in the world that I was washed clean of my prior conceptions about girls. I must admit for the record that Juliet is the first girl I have met in three and half years that I would feel comfortable bringing into the inner circle of my family. And this is by no means a reflection of the degree of love or respect I have for all the other girls I have known over the years. for they have all been wonderful and beautiful in their own rights. But in Juliet, whether true or imagined – is there ever a way to qualify that? – I just happen to find many endearing qualities and not very many objectionable ones. So a new archetype was formed, a new idea of how much deeper and truer and purer a person can be. And that very well could be the meaning for me personally. And that is enough.

As for her, I hope that my attempt at coming to grips with the whole crazy thing by tackling it head on held an equal measure of benefit and new found revelations about life and love and all that is holy in the universe for her as it has seemed to for me. I feel washed clean by the experience. Fresh and new in my perceptions of what I want and what is possible. and more, I left there feeling very optimistic and joyful at the thought of her carrying on with her current boyfriend for all time and living a happy peaceful life together with him. if that is what she so desires. It is an uncanny unconditional love I have for her, much like how I feel for Madelynne or Little Tree or the Artisan. Just pure love. Like one would feel for a sister. When I dream of her it is as if I am dreaming with a guardian or an old friend from many lifetimes who cares for me deeply and unconditionally, and vice versa. I dare say this but I will just to get clearer about my deepest feelings, but I feel that getting beyond my preconceptions and wonderings about all the coincidental occurrences that have transpired surrounding Juliet as far as her being a potential lover or life mate will enable us to experience a friendship very deep and satisfying to us that could last a lifetime or more. something just as rewarding and satisfying as marriage, but in a purely platonic way. the reward for me was that great. And I have no idea why. it just was. I hope that it was for her as well. we have not spoken since we last saw one another and I feel no desire to email or call her. don’t know why. I just think that maybe there are no words to express how I feel or how much gratitude I feel towards the experience.

Like Mr. Darcy in the scene where he is fencing in ‘pride and prejudice,’ I feel this maddening perplexity about it still sometimes of course, and feel a real need to resolve it entirely at times. But as each day passes I succumb to the unknowing a little bit more comfortably and cherish the mystery a little bit more. for if there is anything absolute about life as we know it, it is that most of it is pure mystery to us still. and for now I am o.k. with that. I feel as though I can go on now starting anew with a fresh perspective on things. still wondering? Sure. Who wouldn’t be. But not obsessed with it anymore.

The thing that struck me was how in all the other cases where I have bonded deeply with the girls in my life that I am lucky to call my best friends there was always this strong sexual or romantic attraction to them where at first we just had this really strong desire to consummate our little obsessions with one another. We would make love a few times and then move on to being just friends. Sort of a getting it out of the way kind of thing perhaps. And now many of these girls are some of my closest confidents and most cherished life-friends. But with Juliet that is not there. I would actually sit there and try to think about it while looking at her or talking with her. but that would not be there. it wasn’t about that. but more just a strong desire to connect with her as deeply as we could in the few moments we had together. much like you would with a new guy friend. honoring and cherishing the connection without the undying need to consummate it as girl and boy or man and woman. for me that is rare. I almost always want to make love to any girl I know. its just always there underneath the surface until you do it a few times and then you can move on. But with Juliet I think the respect factor might just be so high that I could feel that the thought was off limits, out of bounds so to speak, and so I just didn’t go there out of respect. even in my own mind or imagination.

Last screening: Made. could have been better. A lot better. Didn’t dig it, despite digging Jon.