The ego wants to make everyone else wrong. this is the biggest challenge we have. But let me tell you something, I have noticed the judging mind calming down. It has almost stopped. It is down to a very quiet little voice that knows that it will receive no attention. it is very liberating indeed.
Last screening: spellbound. The documentary about the kids competing in the national spelling bee. This is awesome. check it. sounds crazy but it puts you on the edge of your seat, breaks your heart, and gets you cheering in just over an hour.
First day feeling alright, that I’m going to make it. Mission control we have lift off. The ego is starting to lift off of me for the first time in many years. or as Robbie Williams said the ego has landed. and I am coming at it from all angles with the tools and processes trying to even understand what it is or how I can get control of it. Coming back to myself little by little…. a little frightened that it will not last… that as soon as I get back into my life that I will start recreating the ego again. working on this automatic self persisting drama. Laughing at it now as I write it. good sign. Today was the take off day. feeling that high that you get from Avatar. More free attention, more personal responsibility, more joy and happiness, lighter feeling, increased feelings of alignment with others and with my own sense of higher self, more understanding of attacks and conflicts, more control of my attention, more control of my will, more understanding of who I have been and who I am showing up as, more gratitude, getting back to a state of loving and enjoying my music again… wow. This by far out of all the other amazing benefits I have begun to feel feels the most special. All day feeling like I am flying. Finally have enough free attention to begin to reach out to other people again and be present with them. long time since I had that feeling. Happy.
Working with others on your and their personal shit is not easy. challenging.
A few deaf people are here. working through lip reading and sign language. walked around with my ears plugged for a while to try to understand what they are going through. But I could still hear. Can the deaf understand music? can they even understand the concept of it? need to research current collected date and beliefs. similar to blind people and color. Can they know color? Understand the concept of it even?
Better today. a little bit more relaxed but still pretty upset and resistant to getting control of the ego. Has a huge hold on me. but through another day of exercises I became more aware of everything I do from the ego, to feed the ego, boost the ego, at the expense of my intuition and at the expense of everyone around me. I am in awe of what a selfish self serving bastard I have been. Especially the last few years. for the last two years I had not attended any courses thinking that I was pretty clear. that I had reached a certain state of spiritual prosperity… but I have a profound sense now how lost I have been the last year especially… feeling completely tossed about by life rather than in control of it — no sense of living deliberately. I understand that there is a real need to have some kind of practice to stay clean. to stay clear and deliberate. It can be anything. Mediation religion whatever. for me Avatar has worked really well the last ten years. I just forget sometimes how important it is to come here and snuggle into this space with others and work on our shit. I hope I never forget again. Today I finally feel a little relief. owning our transgressions, owning our dramas and our stories and our justifications and our indiscretions is very freeing. This course is advanced work. For wizards who have already been through the other courses and are ready to really work on what’s really up for them and what they really do and who they really are. Not for the faint of heart. but I’m staying in day to day sometimes hour to hour just trying to stay on course and follow along no matter uncomfortable. My ego is scared shitless for some reason and I feel almost like a victim of that fear. Running scared. But tomorrow will be another day and I have a feeling will be easier.
Holy shit. we got some new exercises today. explained a little more. turns out this is not about building you up like some of the other courses… but breaking the ego completely down – getting control of it, getting it in check. For me, forget about it. I have worked my ass off to build my ego up for the last few years thinking I had to in the business I am in and today I was in total resistance from just thinking about my ego. Struggling. Squirming in my chair like a little kid. the ego going fucking nuts. attacking other students on the course I was working with all day. lots of tears and screaming. Very defensive. Had to call a trainer a few times to help me integrate before I went crazy. lots of Anger. Shame. Pain. nauseous. Wanting to give up a few times. I cannot imagine ever being able to get control of my ego. Feels too big for me. much bigger than I am. Discovered that almost everything I do is to feed or boost my ego.
If you are your ego, then you cannot refer to “your ego” as “my ego” as if it has a mind of its own separate from YOU. you see?
I feel the same way about this thing you call “my higher self.”
I know I always say this, but I think it an important distinction that can lead to great easiness in being an effective creator. They were one of the first things I discreated upon the discovery. The idea of an ego, an id, the subconscious, a higher self. I let go of all of these beliefs and decided instead to become one with them all, to completely integrate myself as one being, as opposed to bunch of little smaller selves so there was no separation. At least that way I am in control of I completely.