Ashland, So sorry. I couldn’t finish writing to you last night.
Last night Weather Girl spent the night. I know that must sound so loaded to start off an email right? But yes it is true. I was already asleep and she called and asked if she could spend the night (she lives in NJ now so it was too late to go home and she had an appnt in the city this morning). So I made a bed for her on the couch. I was tired and she was tired so I just wrote a bit (hence my late night email last night) and then went to sleep. She woke me up this morning to say good bye and we talked for a few minutes. She is leaving tomorrow for Miami and several other biz trips. I must say, (or else why else would I be emailing you) that it WAS weird.
And YOU are absolutely right. She DOES have other girls she can talk to about that kind of stuff. So why bother talking about it with me? You know? I mean, hey I know I’m supposed to be an enlightened person… but I am also human… and I also know that I am the one who broke up… but again, I am still human… and frankly that IS a weird experience…
But I know how it is when we meet someone that we just totally LIKE or think we do. So they are all we want to talk about. AND honestly I’m glad to see her act this way. Cause I was afraid that maybe she was a robot and didn’t possess those feelings. So it’s good to see her crushing like a normal human being in a way… but still…for some reason it does make my chest hurt a little. Which makes no sense cause it’s not like I look at her and think “XYZ.” Wish I did honestly. Cause I’d love for the chase to be over. But I just don’t. And I can’t fake it. So why would i be bothered at all by it? Like we discussed, i don’t know. Must be something primordial… because it certainly isn’t conscious.
You know? So yeah it made me think about what you said. One = the time thing. Needing space away where you can let the thing totally go… meaning your feelings for the person. and 2 = it is important to know that your friends are seeing someone but you don’t want to just sit there and talk about it… and she’s not even seeing anyone. God, I think about poor Sabine… how she must have felt… what was she doing???? Being friends with ME during that time??? I mean, that must have just been pure pain for her… what a saint.
Honestly Ash, I just think when we like someone, you see, we would rather talk to them or be with them than not. So even if they ARE seeing someone else… we still sit there and listen to them talk about the other person… which is totally masochistic. Really. So yeah that was kind of masochistic for Sabine. What she should have done is just STOP talking to me for a while so she didn’t have to be reminded of it…
(but I bet that hurts too… that “wondering what they’re doing now” thing” – have you ever been there? I have. that sucks too. It’s a catch 22.)
Well this is good practice for me. Weather Girl says to me “Fishy, I’m really glad you took the time to work on your whole Cary Grant thing…” (an inside joke…) Meaning that she was glad that I was such a gentleman when we first dated… (I wait like six to eight weeks before I even kiss a girl. Crazy right? I know. But I can’t help it. That’s just how I was raised.) And then now. How I just act like her friend/brother and don’t say any negative stuff and I try to be a good guy and sit and listen to her talk about how she likes this guy X… Which I might add = thank God – because I would always rather have it that way rather than the opposite way, where the girl is just going nuts for you but you don’t like her, because that sucks. You know?
Hey welcome to the Transcendence Diaries btw! If I’ve written this much to you via email that means that chances are this will end up somewhere shoved in between some pages… or else I wouldn’t be writing this much to you cause I’m too FREAKING BUSY right now with other books!
Point is that when she left I thought to myself, “good job old boy. You’re a good kid. You did well. You’re a good friend. And you handled yourself alright too.” and I even checked with myself and I felt fine.
Ashland, so then I got up and was walking around. Waiting for coffee to arrive actually… Bunny is bringing me some. And I thought about you. I wonder if perhaps because you come off so much older than your age if that’s it… you know? I mean, you must have had tons of guys going nuts over you in school. One would assume. (these are all questions I wondered while knowing you the last few years.) But you have this air of properness that is so off-putting to most guys that I bet they were just always too scared to make a move on you…. and I bet your standards are really high.
(well don’t we all have high standards? But some of us more than others.) You see, what you DON’T yet know is that I was raised the same way YOU were… but I was the rebel of the bunch and took off to live the wild bohemian life and did my best to attempt to strip all that off of me throughout my wild college years and twenties… So I give off this air of being this crazy wild guy but I have these really high standards and only go out with girls from “the best” families etc… a very off-putting contradiction to most girls. Trust me. And frankly it CAN foul things up because I’ve been with some of the finest girls there are in the world, but I have this ridiculous yardstick I measure them with… and often times have to let them go simply because I am waiting for Mrs. Right. And she has to be absolutely perfect…
One of the most beautiful girls I ever dated is known as the Italian Stallion. Now remember we are in the Diaries already here. But she is “forget about it gorgeous.” And she was cool. But she said a bad word and I broke up with her. And she couldn’t believe that I was breaking up with her for that… she still doesn’t actually. But I just had to… I mean, I could never bring a potty mouth home to mom if you know what I mean… it just made my stomach church… too bad. But because of the way I was raised I have these crazy high standards….
You see, that may answer a question as to why out of all the girls, I ended up with Weather Girl for a brief spell there… I know people were like “what the hell? He’s going out with WHO??!!!” But truth is, those are the kind of girls I go out with. I just feel more comfortable with them…
But I learned a lot from that experience. A LOT. I learned that I have to ease up on that whole prim and proper thing and let the right girl come in regardless of how she was raised… hence my slight and short lived attraction to Red if you remember that one… you see normally I would never go out with a girl like that. Simply because she doesn’t come from the same side of the tracks. Regardless of how snobby that sounds. It was actually a real stage of growth for me as a person. I realized that you can’t just date a girl cause she DOES come from the right side – like Weather Girl, and then not have much in common and make all these compromises in your head and heart… So I got that. And hence decided that I would open my mind to other girls… and instead of looking for the right side of the tracks I would look for the right heart…
And then I just realized that I am really just waiting for REAL LOVE to strike… like everyone else. Regardless of who the girl is…. the kind that we see in the movies… and well, some people tell you that you’re a dreamer and that’s just the movies… but I for one actually believe otherwise… perhaps there is that ONE person for each of us, and I just haven’t met her yet. Or else I’d be married already.
Perhaps the same thing with you. You just haven’t found Mr. Right. Assuming there is such a thing…
But I’ll give you some thoughts for you. From the objective sidelines as a guy. You ready for this?
Say yes. Or stop reading now. Your choice. Red pill or blue pill. It’s your choice Neo.
For one thing, because you do act in “that certain way.” (I recognize it because I grew up in Palm Beach and Naples so all the girls act that way from those upper-class waspy American towns) So for most guys it’s a little off putting because they didn’t grow up that way and don’t know how to act around girls like that. it’s intimidating if you don’t really have something BIG to fall back on and give you major confidence. I mean, hell, if you didn’t meet the guy HERE in NYC where there is 14 million people…. but then again I don’t know you so I don’t know what was really going on… or what you were looking for… But the point is, you have to actually be open enough to give that guy room to make his move in… or else he’s going to be too intimidated to do so…
But I will tell you this, once a guy gets to know you, he realizes that you are actually a COOL CHICK. But you would never know it at first because you come off so straight edge at first. Got it? So then a guy’s like what? You’re eating at McDonalds? How cool! (not if its everyday. But if it’s once in a while, that is totally COOL.) And other things too. So Ashland Meadows turns out to be a cool girl after all. But she just doesn’t come across that way at first because she is still living through that filter of “the way I was raised…” (wow is that o.k. to even say that to a person? well if Fishy cannot say it then who can, right?)
But you know, a guy does want a cool girl. Someone he can actually talk to and hang with and be loose with and get deep with…
Yeah. Well for what’s its worth, that’s my two cents. I didn’t get to know Ashland Meadows too well. Only a little. And it was really only towards the end that I got to spend enough quality time with her that she opened up – her actual person and soul opened enough and I saw through all the etiquette and protocol — and saw this super cool fun deep chick underneath that was there all the time. It was actually on the plane in Tangier that I really got to see it. She opened up a few times and I was very surprised. I was like “wooo. Alright. Not only is she cool and fun, but she actually does have these thoughts… I mean, like, real thoughts. It’s not just about tea and cake. Good for her.”
Does that help? well probably not. you didn’t ask for help. But still. I think the world of you. I’ve often spent time in prayer for you. And I’ve often spent time contemplating just who might be the best guy for you and frankly I think there are THOUSANDS of them out there. But you just have to open up and let them know its o.k. for them to make a move. Show them that you aren’t “off limits” so to speak.
So where does that leave us? Well, that was certainly a strange experience. Having Weather Girl wake me up in the middle of the night to crash for the night and then wake me up in the morning to talk about how she should handle this thing with this guy. But it actually just made me feel stronger. More mature. Like, o.k. old boy you really want to grow up and walk your talk? Here’s a great one for you. Watch this: BAM!
Can you keep your cool? Can you remain selfless? Can you let go of your “guyness” – that wildcat who just lives for the moment? AND your ego? And can you really be the gentlemen that you were not only raised to be but that your friends, especially your girlfriends, want and expect you to be? And just be there for another person AND act on your true feelings rather than act on some imaginary evolutionary feelings that crop up here and there non-deliberately?
Well it turns out that I can. And I did.
That would have actually been a great ending to a chapter. But just allow me this as a prologue. Here’s the thing that I realized from it. We’re there on the bed. She’s talking. And I’m still lying there half asleep. I’m not even bothering to open my eyes. And I realized that somewhere there is a switch that takes place. Where we switch from still having feelings for someone to not having those feelings anymore. And even though we might reach that place called “I already know I don’t want to be with this person in the long run anymore,” we can still have FEELINGS for them… that attraction is still there. Those underlying curious feelings of “what ifs?”
So we have to allow ourselves time to make that total switch. Or else, as you said, it WILL drag on, even though in the bigger picture we don’t want it to… So moments like this morning are sort of dangerous… because if that switch is not totally made yet, then we are still taking the risk of everyone getting hurt or being confused. But if you are strong enough to stay true to how you really feel and what you really believe is best for both of you, then regardless of what might be happening, then you CAN remain TRUE and FAITHFUL to your highest goals for that situation. It just takes strength of character. Yeah. Something like that.
The final chapter – That moment of epiphany strikes:
I just got this major hit! Wow. I was in the kitchen adding protein powder to my coffee. (you didn’t know this but alas it is true) I know. It sounds gross. It’s actually a great way to save two birds with one net. And doesn’t taste half bad either. Bachelors without a full-time housekeeper and cook are a dangerous thing. I know this fact intimately. We fall victim to the most dreadful solutions when confronted with such a fate, however temporary.
So — not to jump back and forth but hey what fun is there in being the composer of a giant five thousand plus page magnum opus such as this one if you can’t just do whatever the hell you want to?
So yes I was stirring this powder into the coffee and I was thinking to myself, “just what the hell am I even doing writing to Ashland Meadows in the first place.” And then deeper, “what is it? What IS the message you have for her?” And then it came to me….
Ashland Meadows my suggestion to you is to open up more. Let guys know that you actually are fun and cool and free and actually a bit wild underneath all that. Cause here’s my guess about you. (And since I am after all creating you in the first place, sort of, I should know.) But here it is: YOU really want to go off more. Like you sort of are longing to go off the beaten path a bit more.
But the guys that are attracted to you or who feel comfortable enough to ask you out are all super straight edge. But you have this wild side that is longing for something wilder, some real action. Some adventure. Or else let’s face it, as most girls from your group, you would have already settled into something. But you haven’t. And why? Because while yes there is this whole “Stepford Wife/Brie from Desperate Housewives” thing going… underneath that is this wild girl who wants to jump into a convertible and drive a hundred and fifty miles an hour down some wide causeway on a small island with water on both sides screaming and singing out loud at the top of your lungs to the music playing. And that’s just the start of it.
I mean, my true guess would be that you just haven’t met any guys who are totally insane enough to totally capture that wild side of you. Even though you have probably met plenty of guys who fit in other ways. But especially if they always let you call all the shots. Then yeah you’re fine in the moment but you aren’t being swept off your feet. You need someone like Richard Branson. Someone who is really going to take you on a ride. And I’m not just talking physically. Like “where are we going?” “I have no idea, but lets go!” That kind of stuff, sure. But also someone who is going to take you on a ride mentally and emotionally too. Someone who is really going to be a trip for you and intoxicate your mind and your heart and your soul in a way that is totally unconventional. Because underneath all that fine china is this tiger who is waiting to be tamed. But you can’t tame a tiger if the tiger never even comes out from its cage. So yes, Ashland Meadows is in fact a tiger waiting to be loosed from her cage. But she needs to meet a man who is going to bring that out in her.
More but my fingers are tired.
Find that tiger within Ashland. And let guys know its there. Let out a few growls now and then. Ha! Why wait forever? Half the reason why you are so afraid of settling down is because you are afraid of trapping the tiger within. The tiger doesn’t want to be caged. So marriage scares the hell out of you. (yeah I know) And why wouldn’t it? Because if you really are a tiger then no you aren’t going to want to be tied down “forever” to anyone or anything or anywhere. But you have to let that tiger out NOW. Now that I am thinking about it… my intuition tells me that you are fighting inside against this mild but still totally crazy tiger wild woman who isn’t going to let you tie yourself down… but at the same time you haven’t met anyone who has brought out that wild woman in the first place… So it sort of sits dormant. Waiting. But at the same time it also doesn’t let you settle down either. So you’re always on the move.
But the sort of sad truth is that a woman as amazing as you, and I am creating Ashland Meadows to be one of the most dazzling heroines of this entire series, – in fact you have no idea of her fate as I do… – should not be waiting, nor should she be always on the move either… she needs to be RAGING. She needs to be totally living life to its absolute fullest! She needs to be uncaged and let loose on the world.
I will await to hear the news from the frontlines. Good luck.
And hey, welcome to the Diaries.