At a café on Miami beach. Determined to keep the cool vibage of Italy even here. typing on my laptop drinking glasses of a new Italian wine known as vermintina.
Today I went to the office and started packing all my things. wow. This was slightly heavy although not that big of a deal. I am so filled with these feelings of excitement and
Reconnected with the stallion although it is too difficult for her. Still feels bad that we never made a run for it. although it was so nice to reconnect with her. She has found a new boyfriend now.
When you are a single man and you get a lot of it, people think that life is so good. but I told Maddie last night, I would give it all up if I met the one. some girl who just totally blew me away and made my heart sing. is it like Manfred the mad German lawyer said one day at lunch, “don’t wait too long young man, because the longer you wait the harder it gets to settle with anyone’s idiosyncrasies….” I don’t know. I’m slightly drunk right now I think. me and my laptop on my lap literally while I shove huge forkfuls of salad and goat cheese into my mouth for the entire world to see. I can hear Maddie now, ‘you are such a fucking freak….’
But it is the life of the artist. one can easily see how easy it would be to go insane. Living this lifestyle.
So last night I talked to Madelyn for about two hours and it was so nice. she is pregnant now. having a baby. All my ex girls are either married or pregnant. Tells you something. Although what it tells you I don’t know. I have reached this point—it is as funny as it is frustrating and peculiar—where I just can’t fake it anymore. Look Rosie sex is natural desire in men, it’s a basic need as strong maybe stronger as the need for food or shelter—o.k. much stronger than the need for shelter—so yes there is this need to have sex and touch and affection and passion and all of that. but man I’ve just totally lost my ability to bullshit with the girls. I don’t know what it is. but if I perceive that a girl isn’t the one for me, isn’t someone I can be with for real—I mean seriously, if it isn’t her, I just don’t even want to talk to her. So for sex you just use the professional women. I told this to my little cuzzie wuzzie and she just freaked out. “You have never been with one of THOSE WOMEN have you?” “No of course not. I’m just kidding.” oh god it was funny. I just couldn’t go through with telling her about it.
[For the benefit of all working women the world over. Rosie acts like it’s a sin. Just completely alarmed at the thought of it. and I guess if you are a 21 year old born again Christian, then prostitution probably is a sin to you, but if you’re a thirty year old man who hasn’t had sex in a month or two then I would call it a blessing. Prostitutes are Gods gift to all men everywhere. What an amazing thing a professional girl is when you think about it. the fact that they are willing to do that for us. and vice versa for the guys that do it too. I know some girls that have called men over… they loved it. The first time I was with a pro, I was so fucking nervous I couldn’t even talk straight. But by the time it was over I was holding her and thanking her. I gave her extra money. I felt re-energized and relieved and just so happy. and she was like look here’s my house number, call me anytime. It’s a win win. I see what my guy friends go through out there. How they want to stay out all night at the clubs just because they want or need to have sex so badly. So they stay in these smoky clubs all night not doing anything remotely productive. Listening to bad music, talking to tons of uninteresting girls one after the other, just trying to get laid. And if they get lucky they end up bringing some stank stupid two bit back to their house to sleep with them. and they still aren’t happy. little do they know they could just pick up the phone and call one over in the comfort of their own home. no clubs. No staying out all night with that stupid drunken desperate look on all their faces hoping to get lucky. I mean, that’s what the pros are for. They’re there for us. and in return we are there for them. they need money. that’s how they make their living. And they’re alright with it. and we need sex and they’re alright with that too. say what you will about doing it the old fashioned way. and spend all night in some stupid club that is beneath you just so you can try to get laid. And by the time you bring your nasty drunken two bit back to your pad and waste even more time having to talk to them about nothing in order to get in, I’m already fast asleep after a good nights lovemaking and I got a lot of work done as well.]
o.k. back to our story.
But seriously, when you get to this point as a man and you just don’t even want to bother talking to any women who don’t totally blow you away even if you can sleep with them right then and there, this is a serious problem. All these girls talking to you and you’re just like whatever, I know what I’m looking for and if she’s not it, next. [this wine is good—vermintina] so man its like you have no choice you gotta just keep the look out for HER and in the meantime get your rocks off in the fastest and smoothest way possible. None of this talking to girls all night just to get in their pants. I swear to God if I have to have one more “what’s your name and where are you from conversation” in my fucking life I will go crazy. How do you get to this point? Where you just can’t even fake it for a second anymore? Even for some delicate trim? Either a girl drives you totally crazy and you want to sleep with her because of that, or forget it you don’t even talk to her—even if you still do want to sleep with her. But what if you can’t even fake it long enough to sleep with her? Man this is pretty serious. Just smile, be friends, and that’s it. move on. No more small talk. If I’m not enraptured, I’m not entertaining the conversation. Bush or no bush. I’d rather pay for it. My time and my allegiance to being honest is more valuable to me than my money. sometimes I get on my knees. God please send me a woman who is a fucking super hero girl. Madonna, Maria von Trapp, Penelope, Julia, and Audrey Hepburn all combined into one. Someone who is just the absolute BOMB and perfect for me. When you do see a woman who is just the bomb and blows you away it is such an amazing feeling. Your heart starts racing. Its wonderful. And what does this mean? I mean what are we really looking for? Just a feeling huh. Nothing more than a feeling. One thing I have learned. It has nothing to do with things in common, or what she looks like, or what she does or how she acts or anything. We’re just waiting on that feeling. And when we get that, nothing else matters.
[Flashback, Autumn 2002: When I was with the stallion and la Princesa that is when it started for me. with Francis too. all of them kind of at the same time. going back and forth between them. one week I would be with one of them and then the next I would be with an other. the stallion I was particularly taken with at first. She is so fucking smart. Just a monster intellectually. And her body is just amazing. Goddess-like. la Princesa also. God if I could have put the two of them together I would have been in heaven. The stallion and I fell head over hells in love with each other from the moment we met. But it was fleeting because as she reminds me constantly I never really gave us a chance. But I am certain now that I know what I am doing. I need to face it. I believe in love at first site. I believe that I already know my wife, and I will know her, and that she will know me, as soon as we meet. Or soon after. I don’t care what other people say about their current marriages or husbands or wives, how they hated each other at first or they were friends first for a long time, or that love grows in time. or any of that. for me, I just know that I will know. so if I’m with a girl, like the stallion who was so hot and so sexy and so well educated, fucking a so much of what I thought I was looking for, and I start getting these feelings that she isn’t the one, then I just start to turn off. I can’t help it. when I am with a girl who is not my wife, doesn’t give me that knowing inside, and we’re fooling around, its like my heart feels like it is breaking. And I just can’t do it. I mean, sometimes I do it anyway, but it actually kind of hurts. Like it’s a pain in my heart. [I told the stallion once, I can’t do this, I have to save myself for my wife, and she was like ‘what? What the hell do you mean save yourself?’ But I was serious.] I mean, I’m looking down at the girl and her eyes are closed and she is so into it. and I’m just there half in and half out thinking about my future wife. I feel like I am floating above the whole thing, saying to myself laying there with the girl, Fishy you sad pathetic stupid fool. She’s not your wife and you know it. and even though you haven’t met her yet, your totally cheating on her right now. she can feel it. you bastard! by being here with this wonderful beautiful girl. And its absolutely no fault of theirs. That’s for sure. Its my fault for ever letting it get to that point where we are fooling around. It just makes me want to flog myself till I bleed. I drive away feeling like such an animal. I want to cut myself and scream. You know better than this. you know in your heart what your wife feels like. You know who she is. I mean you can feel her. In your heart. just stay the fuck away from any other girls who do not give you this knowing, regardless of any thoughts you have. regardless of all of their great amazing qualities just stay the fuck away from them. just follow your heart. follow your intuition. And be the man that you know you can be. and then I just want to poke my eyes out and light myself on fire from the pain that I feel inside. For hurting myself. And for potentially hurting them. For going against what I know to be true. and for hurting my future love of my life that I have felt in my heart and seen in my visions for years now. I tell myself I will never do it again. and then a month later I am back in the arms of some other girl that never has a chance. Unfair to them. unfair to me. unfair to mass consciousness. But now I am done collecting. I am truly done collecting these experiences. I would give them all up just to meet a woman I can make love to and feel honest about it. feel one hundred percent at peace with it and happy to be holding her in my arms. I don’t care that I haven’t had sex with at least one woman from every civilized country in the world. I’m proud that I came close. Hehe. Something to tell the grandkids about, that’s for sure. But I just don’t have it in me anymore. I don’t care that I haven’t had sex with ten eighteen year olds at once yet (God can you imagine??!! O.k. the plan is that before I meet her or right afterwards I promise myself I will fly to Amsterdam, spend the weekend smoking and eating lots of hash and make love to at least five eighteen year olds all at once. Just to get it out of my system. And my wife she’ll be cool with it.), or that I haven’t done enough fat chicks, or chicks with glasses, or punk rocker chicks, or Scottish chicks, or news anchor women. God I haven’t even done an Asian yet. But I don’t even care now. these days are behind me. What the fuck am I waiting for? What the hell is she waiting for? Man I hope I haven’t blown my chances of meeting her and marrying her.
Its not like my biological clock is ticking but somehow it feels as though my biological clock is ticking. I want to meet this girl. I want us to have children and a few dogs and be happy in the knowing that we finally met. You know, have her go on the road with us and stuff… I know she can feel the same thing I am feeling. I just know it. I know she is waiting as much as I am waiting. And I know she is probably in as much pain as I am when she is with someone who isn’t me. So I’m going to do this for us. I’m going to hold out. I’m going to give us this gift. And from now on I am going to stop writing about this. Because after all there won’t be anything to write about. Just the waiting now. the goddamn lonely waiting….]
G2 is laming out now big-time. Headed for the “where is he now” highway. He thinks because I quit my position as president at one of the companies that he doesn’t need to worry about doing any work for us now. Constantly sending us emails promises that he then goes back on just to try to placate us till the next paycheck. Is there anyone you can trust in this world? what he mistakenly failed to realize is that I am still the owner of the company. Has been promising that he would get our new album sleep with you up on our website so people could actually buy it for over two months. Seriously. Two months. And I have been dealing with it. the whole band has. Everyone just kind of down due to his not getting anything done for us. we all just sit and wait day after day and week after week and now month after month. Everyone a little bit down and uninspired. For all this time. you know sometimes we just get lulled into dealing with things even though they are way below our threshold of what is acceptable. So anyway we have this album out and not a soul knows about it because our designer just keeps saying he will post it “tomorrow” and then never does. Taught me an amazingly illuminating lesson. Is there such a thing as someone who works for you because they are loyal to you or is it always just about the money? The last few years I have observed that for the most part is mostly just the money. You could be the greatest person in the world and people will always choose money over any kind of bond whether real or imagined they or you think you have. Ah it breaks my fucking heart. I will drink a lot of wine for tonight. But I am a young man and it is an important lesson to learn. I think another lesson is just not to ever let yourself ever get into a position where you are depending on one person for anything. Always have back up. Always have the next guy waiting in the wings. And don’t think just because someone is kissing your ass when your paying them that they really care.
I guess its just one of those things that eventually you get to that point where you wonder where the line is between being a nice guy and totally trusting people and being a hard-ass bottom-liner and not trusting people.